Sludge in 2023

I can confirm after visiting him yesterday for the first time since before Christmas that he's every bit as ghastly this year as last.

He was yet again in one of his downbeat moods. He just sat there mute in his chair puffing out his cheeks and sighing occasionally. I knew what was troubling him and tried to lift his spirits.

"Don't despair," I said, "with over half the season remaining Liverpool could still finish in a Champions League place". That didn't work. He shook his head sadly and managed to look even more sucked off.

I tried again with another subject that has been haunting him for 12 months or longer. "You never know," I remarked merrily, "the opinion polls may turn around and the Conservative Party could secure another General Election victory in late 2024". That didn't do the trick either. He revealed he has recurring nightmares that the "red bastards" will take both the Vale of Glamorgan and Bridgend Parliamentary seats.

It was then I played my final card, the one that had always put the flip back into his flop previously. I uttered the magic words: "There's late night smut on Channel 5 tonight".

He immediately lifted his bonce, his eyes widened, a glint of hope appeared in them, his mouth begun to form a grin worthy of a Euromillions jackpot winner. Then his face crumpled and his head fell in torment once more. "No there's not, I checked the TV guide earlier on, there's no tits out action to be found," he moaned.

It would have helped witnessing such woe had I been sipping coffee or tea while nibbling on a Jaffa cake, but he never offers refreshments. I turned up there once with a packet of custard creams and a flask hoping he'd get the hint. He didn't, but did cadge half the biscuits. I swear he must be tighter than a nun's chuff.

It's interesting you should mention late night porn

I am not interested in that sort of thing , never have been

But I was watching this programme the other night about young women , in this case from Newcastle and Middlesbrough who were millionaires from performing on social media

It takes all sorts

New year, same old Sludge.