Let's have a laugh (or not)
If, at first, you don't succeed, try and try again. Crap advice for skydivers.
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Let's have a laugh (or not)
If, at first, you don't succeed, try and try again. Crap advice for skydivers.
Bloke sat on a train when another passenger politely asks him whether he has a light. "No, just feck off!' he replies. The fag puffer is both startled and intrigued by the response. A while later he asks the man why he replied in such a manner. The bloke explains that he wouldn't give him a light because if he did they might get chatting and enjoy one another's company. "And?" asks the bemused (and by now gasping) fellow traveller.
"Well," the bloke explained, "if I had we may gotten on like a house on fire and by the end of the journey I may have felt compelled to invite you to my home and introduce you to my lovely wife and beautiful 18-year-old daughter who you would be immediately smitten by. Pretty soon you'd begin an affair when she would soon fall pregnant. But you wouldn't marry her, would you?!"
"I would, I would marry her!" the nicotine addict protested.
"No you won't be marrying her," retorted the bloke, "because you're not having a fecking light!"
#clubsajokeffs
My kids' all time favourite joke...
Knock Knock
Who's there??
Europe.
Etc etc
Well they are 3 and 6 so that's the pinnacle of comedy
Funnier than Organ's joke by some distance.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rjk
Where's Uncle Bob?
Two hunters park their car, climb over a fence to go to the woods, then...
BANG
One of them phones for help
He says to the operator "Help! My gun went of by accident, and I've shot my friend.
I think he might be dead!"
The op takes some details then says
"OK, I've sent emergence services to your location, but let's see if we can do anything while we wait for them to arrive...
You said you think he's dead - can you make sure"
OK, says the hunter, and goes off.
The op hears a BANG! then the hunter comes back and says "OK, what next?"
************************************************** **********************
Blond girl driving around town on way to a job interview, but can't find a parking place.
Time is running out, so in desperation, she looks to the sky and says
"Oh Lord, if you can find me a parking space I'll give up smoking, drinking, drugs and sex!"
Just seconds late, as if by magic, a car pulls out of a space just 30 yards ahead.
She looks up again and says "OK, don't worry, I've found one myself!"
There is a saying in showbusiness that you should never work with children or animals.
Never is that truer than when working in porn
What do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen ?
Don't go out with her again.
What goes clip, clop, clip, clop *BANG*, clippety clop, clippety clop, clippety clop?
A drive by shooting in swansea.
They were both excellent . I even had a little smile to myself .Quote:
Originally Posted by bobh
Wait till Mrs R gets here , she is the king of bad jokes (queen, whatever)
:hehe: I knew that was coming, other people got that ta Pauline one. :wave:Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy the Jock
Why does a duck feel bad when it hears the song "Aint no sunshine"?
'cos its bill withers
Mummy , mummy there's a man at the door with a bill.
Don't be silly dear , it must be a duck with a hat on.
The Mrs came and sat next to me on the sofa earlier looking really miserable.
"Cheer up," I said.
"Oh I'm OK," she sighed, "just a bit sad."
"You're fab," I said.
"Thanks," she said.
"You're mine," I said.
"I know silly!" she chuckled.
"I love you," I said.
"Aww!" she gushed, "that's so lovely!"
"Marry me," I said.
She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal: "Yes!" she bellowed. "Yes! Yes!
Yes!"
I looked up at her and said, "Yes what?"
"Yes, I will marry you!" she beamed.
"Oh Shut up you tart!" I said. "Here, have a Love Heart."
"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 women
who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."
My dog's full of useful information like that.
Memorable dates in Manchester City's Illustrious
History:
1937: Division 1 Title Winners for the first time,
under Wilf Wild
1956: FA Cup Winners under Les McDowall
1968: Division 1 Title Winners under Joe Mercer
1969: FA Cup Winners under Joe Mercer
1983: Yaya Toure is born
1984: Yaya Toure's 1st Birthday
1985: Yaya Toure's 2nd Birthday
1986: Yaya Toure's 3rd Birthday
1987: Yaya Toure's 4th Birthday
1988: Yaya Toure's 5th Birthday
1989: Yaya Toure's 6th Birthday
1990: Yaya Toure's 7th Birthday
1991: Yaya Toure's 8th Birthday
1992: Yaya Toure's 9th Birthday
1993: Yaya Toure's 10th Birthday
1994: Yaya Toure's 11th Birthday
1995: Yaya Toure's 12th Birthday
1996: Yaya Toure's 13th Birthday
1997: Yaya Toure's 14th Birthday
1998: Yaya Toure's 15th Birthday
1999: Yaya Toure's 16th Birthday
2000: Yaya Toure's 17th Birthday
2001: Yaya Toure's 18th Birthday
2002: Yaya Toure's 19th Birthday
2003: Yaya Toure's 20th Birthday
2004: Yaya Toure's 21st Birthday
2005: Yaya Toure's 22nd Birthday
2006: Yaya Toure's 23rd Birthday
2007: Yaya Toure's 24th Birthday
2008: Yaya Toure's 25th Birthday
2009: Yaya Toure's 26th Birthday
2010: Yaya Toure's 27th Birthday
2011: Yaya Toure's 28th Birthday; FA Cup Winners
under Roberto Mancini
2012: Yaya Toure's 29th Birthday; Premier League
Champions under Roberto Mancini
2013: Yaya Toure's 30th Birthday
2014: Yaya Toure's 31st Birthday; Premier League
Champions under Manuel Pellegrini
The missus said she was bored with our sex life
the other night, and suggested we try the 'other
hole.'
'What?' I replied. 'And end up with a frigging house full of kids?'
A study has shown that 40% of men
over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction.
Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm
not surprised.
The other night I was expecting an
important phone call, so I slept with
my mobile under the pillow.
When I woke up, it was gone and
there was just a shiny new fifty pence
piece where I'd left it.
Damn that blue-tooth fairy!
My young daughter asked me this
morning, "Daddy, what were you and
Mummy doing in the bedroom last
night? I could hear a buzzing noise,
then Mummy started to scream."
"Nothing, darling," I replied.
It was then I burst out laughing as my
wife walked down the stairs with her
half-shaved head.
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?
That's as crazy as the amazing Roast dinners you get for just £4.69 at The Hollybush pub in Pendwyallt Rd, Cardiff CF14 7EG
These were all just taken from my fb page my memories from this day over the years I've been posting on there.
:facepalm:Quote:
Originally Posted by itkman
A man goes to the doctor. He said, "Doc, I think
there may be something wrong with the pills you
gave me last time."
The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you
think that Mr Jones?"
"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."
"I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor.
"Those are just side effects."
I've noticed that, once a month, women go completely ****ing mental
for about 30 days.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
If you say "gullible" really slowly, it sounds like lemons.
The Mrs had the cheek to call me a lazy bastard today,
I was right in the middle of taking down the Christmas decorations..
My dream job is to be a sound engineer.
I don't know why, I just want to - want to.
Old woman goes into the doctor's surgery.
"I wonder if you can help me, doc.
You see, I keep farting. The only saving grace is that they're silent, and don't smell. so no-one knows.
In fact, I've farted twice since coming into this room!"
"OK", says the doc, "take these pills for a week then see me again."
A week later, she comes back and says
"I don't know what you gave me, doc, but I still keep having those silent farts, but now they stink to high heaven!"
"Right", says the doc.
"That's your sinuses sorted, now let me have a look at your ears!"
What do you call a masturbating cow ?
Beef Stroking off! :getscoat:
I think that my wife sells drugs.
As I was leaving the house the phone rang.
The bloke on the other end of the line asked 'Has that dope gone yet?'
A cowboy riding along a trail comes across an Indian (sorry, Native American) lying down with his ear to the ground.
"What are you doing?", says the cowboy.
The reply was
"20 minutes ago, a wagon with two men came this way, going east. It was pulled by 4 horses, 2 brown, one black, one white"
"Wow!" says the cowboy. "you can tell all that by listening to the ground??"
"No- it ran over my head!"