Everything you've ever wanted to know about women

Saw Sludge this morning at his Cowbridge bedsit. It was gone 11am but he was still snoozing. When he eventually opened the door he made for quite a sight for along with his familiar vacant expression, his hair was all over the shop and his Thomas the Tank Engine pyjamas looked ridiculous. Turned out his Liverpool FC pair was at the laundry. He had worn them continuously for the past 18 months and felt "it was time to have them freshened up." "Fecking fumigated, more like," I thought.

A new neighbour has moved into the property directly beneath his. "She's mid-60s, has a prominent facial mole and uses a walking stick but does have a tidy pair of hooters on it," was his brief summation. Asked "would you?" he took an instant to confirm my expectation that he indeed would. "I'd service her twice daily Monday to Saturday and three times on a Sunday which'll include a special delivery round the back, a ring road detour if you will," said the smut king.

Later on he adopted his formal, authoritative tone when returning to his favourite topic of all things nookie related. "You know," he said, with an air of indisputable certainty, "they're all slags." "What do you mean?" I enquired. "Well," he continued, "once they hit 20 or thereabouts they're rubbing one out at every opportunity, and that itch means they require a proper seeing to at least once daily to quench their natural desires. Oh yes. So once a day minimum means seven times per week their ankles are pinned behind their lug holes. All except the thickest of the thick know there's precisely 50 weeks in each year. That means they're prodded seven multiplied by 50 every 12 months for a grand total of... er..., uhm..., hold on a sec."

He proceeded to make a mental calculation. Following more ers and uhms, head scratching, finger counting and gazing at the ceiling for inspiration, he finally concluded the aggregate amounted to "a good few hundred."

"If twenty-somethings are all slags, how would you label, say, women aged 45 plus whose libidos aren't as powerful due to the ravages of father time?" I asked him. "They are old slags," was his dogmatic response.

I came away from there with the words "worra kent" on my lips, as I had on every previous occasion.

Got fed up after "saw sludge". !

eyes were hurting as not enough paragraphs :angry:

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Originally Posted by Organ Morgan.

Saw Sludge this morning at his Cowbridge bedsit. It was gone 11am but he was still snoozing. When he eventually opened the door he made for quite a sight for along with his familiar vacant expression, his hair was all over the shop and his Thomas the Tank Engine pyjamas looked ridiculous. Turned out his Liverpool FC pair was at the laundry. He had worn them continuously for the past 18 months and felt "it was time to have them freshened up." "Fecking fumigated, more like," I thought.

A new neighbour has moved into the property directly beneath his. "She's mid-60s, has a prominent facial mole and uses a walking stick but does have a tidy pair of hooters on it," was his brief summation. Asked "would you?" he took an instant to confirm my expectation that he indeed would. "I'd service her twice daily Monday to Saturday and three times on a Sunday which'll include a special delivery round the back, a ring road detour if you will," said the smut king.

Later on he adopted his formal, authoritative tone when returning to his favourite topic of all things nookie related. "You know," he said, with an air of indisputable certainty, "they're all slags." "What do you mean?" I enquired. "Well," he continued, "once they hit 20 or thereabouts they're rubbing one out at every opportunity, and that itch means they require a proper seeing to at least once daily to quench their natural desires. Oh yes. So once a day minimum means seven times per week their ankles are pinned behind their lug holes. All except the thickest of the thick know there's precisely 50 weeks in each year. That means they're prodded seven multiplied by 50 every 12 months for a grand total of... er..., uhm..., hold on a sec."

He proceeded to make a mental calculation. Following more ers and uhms, head scratching, finger counting and gazing at the ceiling for inspiration, he finally concluded the aggregate amounted to "a good few hundred."

"If twenty-somethings are all slags, how would you label, say, women aged 45 plus whose libidos aren't as powerful due to the ravages of father time?" I asked him. "They are old slags," was his dogmatic response.

I came away from there with the words "worra kent" on my lips, as I had on every previous occasion.

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:hehe: You are usually quite well informed Organ but you are wrong on that, women in their 40's are in their sexual prime.

Who is Sludge btw?

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Originally Posted by BLUETIT

Got fed up after "saw sludge". !

eyes were hurting as not enough paragraphs :angry:

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What?!
Whoa! - wind your rudeness in eh? It's not like you are ever likely to win 'poster of the year' (nor even week, day, hour .. minute .. second ..).

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Originally Posted by Mrs Steve R

:hehe: You are usually quite well informed Organ but you are wrong on that, women in their 40's are in their sexual prime.

Who is Sludge btw?

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You tell 'im gal :thumbup:

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Originally Posted by Sgt. Pepper

What?!
Whoa! - wind your rudeness in eh? It's not like you are ever likely to win 'poster of the year' (nor even week, day, hour .. minute .. second ..).

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Ta. :wave:

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Originally Posted by Mrs Steve R

:hehe: You are usually quite well informed Organ but you are wrong on that, women in their 40's are in their sexual prime.

Who is Sludge btw?

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Bloody hell, don't I know it!
I'm running, vitamins, steak and oysters. Still only just keeping up ..;)

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Originally Posted by BLUETIT

Ta. :wave:

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You are welcome, wanker. :-) :thumbup:

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Originally Posted by BLUETIT

You tell 'im gal :thumbup:

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:hehe:

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Originally Posted by Sgt. Pepper

Bloody hell, don't I know it!
I'm running, vitamins, steak and oysters. Still only just keeping up ..;)

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Coconut oil can help improve your endurance.

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Originally Posted by Sgt. Pepper

You are welcome, wanker. :-) :thumbup:

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Wind your neck in Mr 7 days. :biggrin:

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Originally Posted by Mrs Steve R

:hehe: You are usually quite well informed Organ but you are wrong on that, women in their 40's are in their sexual prime.

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Very interesting, maybe I should revise my personal age limit of 25 upwards :biggrin:

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Originally Posted by Mrs Steve R

:hehe:


Coconut oil can help improve your endurance.


Wind your neck in Mr 7 days. :biggrin:

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:) will coconut oil help me wind my 7 day neck in too?

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Originally Posted by Wales-Bales

Very interesting, maybe I should revise my personal age limit of 25 upwards :biggrin:

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:hehe:

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Originally Posted by Sgt. Pepper

:) will coconut oil help me wind my 7 day neck in too?

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It's an excellent lubricant so I would imagine it will. :biggrin:

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Originally Posted by Mrs Steve R

:hehe:


It's an excellent lubricant so I would imagine it will. :biggrin:

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I preferred the Body Shop strawberry oil. (I use the past tense because I can't seem to find it any more :( )

And it tasted nice when mixed with other natural oils and juices :getscoat:

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Originally Posted by xsnaggle

I preferred the Body Shop strawberry oil. (I use the past tense because I can't seem to find it any more :( )

And it tasted nice when mixed with other natural oils and juices :getscoat:

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:hehe: I was talking about lubricant for engines but yeah it's good for that too.

Yes engines. Different engines for different things!!!!