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Thread: Wanky marketing terms

  1. #1

    Wanky marketing terms

    We've all seen them and subconsciously get bombarded with them every day. I've now decided it's high time we fight back, by pointing them out to the everyday CCMB user.

    So to kick off, a personal 'favourite' of mine is a wanky psuedo 'ingredient' that is allegedly put into products for our own benefit.

    L Casei Immunitas is a corker of a made up ingredient, and was pumped out on Danone adverts a few years ago.

    Back to the modern day, and I've just been chomping on some olives from Tesco. Very nice they are too, but on the label it says 'Haldiki Olives - lovingly blended with Slow Roasted Tomatoes'

    The casual observer might opine that said olives were rolled on the thighs of Aztec virgins, as they whispered sweet nothings into their pitted exteriors, before gently caressing them into a mixture of olive oil, myriad herbs and said tomatoes.

    The fact of the matter is, they almost certainly got thrashed around in a huge vat in Grimsby by an alcoholic divorced bloke, who was probably smoking when he pressed the machine's 'Mix' button.

    Any more, for any more?
    Whatever the mind can conceive and truly believe, the mind can achieve.

    Cymru am byth

  2. #2

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    My local garage advertises sausage rolls "made in Yorkshire".

    Why do we need to know that?

  3. #3

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Yo Sushi!

    "Sit, take, eat, pay."

    Why do they think the pay bit makes this sound better?

  4. #4

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    I find silly things like Hand fried chips and Home cooked pie a bit irritating. But the one that really grates is "served over ice".

    Stupid pretentious bollocks.

  5. #5

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    I do like my wine, but those pretentious food suggestions do my swede in.

    Things like 'This Cabernet Sauvignon offers an intense, supple, velvety, and smoky experience, which perfectly accompanies couscous or free range asparagus, in a blackcurrant jus'.

    I mean, ffs - really?
    Whatever the mind can conceive and truly believe, the mind can achieve.

    Cymru am byth

  6. #6

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    I had chips once from Caroline Street dubbed chippy Lane chips ,bloody cheek.

    Oh and nothing drizzled on em,other than saliva

  7. #7
    International Mrs Steve R's Avatar
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    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    "Pan-fried" stuff, what else are you going to fry it in?
    'It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled'

  8. #8

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    "Bespoke" can **** off

  9. #9

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Baloo View Post
    My local garage advertises sausage rolls "made in Yorkshire".

    Why do we need to know that?
    Because they can put "made by wankers" on the label?

  10. #10

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    "Steel cut", "muddled", "infused", "caramelized", "locally sourced", "aoli" "farm to table".

  11. #11

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Steve R View Post
    "Pan-fried" stuff, what else are you going to fry it in?
    Panfried is a technique. The meat sits in the pan as it cooks, unlike stirfried where you jiggle it (tony tit in 3...2..1...).

  12. #12
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    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Arfur Europe View Post
    We've all seen them and subconsciously get bombarded with them every day. I've now decided it's high time we fight back, by pointing them out to the everyday CCMB user.

    So to kick off, a personal 'favourite' of mine is a wanky psuedo 'ingredient' that is allegedly put into products for our own benefit.

    L Casei Immunitas is a corker of a made up ingredient, and was pumped out on Danone adverts a few years ago.

    Back to the modern day, and I've just been chomping on some olives from Tesco. Very nice they are too, but on the label it says 'Haldiki Olives - lovingly blended with Slow Roasted Tomatoes'

    The casual observer might opine that said olives were rolled on the thighs of Aztec virgins, as they whispered sweet nothings into their pitted exteriors, before gently caressing them into a mixture of olive oil, myriad herbs and said tomatoes.



    The fact of the matter is, they almost certainly got thrashed around in a huge vat in Grimsby by an alcoholic divorced bloke, who was probably smoking when he pressed the machine's 'Mix' button.

    Any more, for any more?

    'Passionate' or 'we have a passion for'.

    Bollocks you do ,the only thing you are passionate about is emptying my wallet.

  13. #13
    International Mrs Steve R's Avatar
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    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by lardy View Post
    Panfried is a technique. The meat sits in the pan as it cooks, unlike stirfried where you jiggle it (tony tit in 3...2..1...).
    I've heard that helps still sounds wanky in my book.

    You can also 'toss' when stir-frying btw. (morning tony)
    'It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled'

  14. #14

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Majorblue View Post
    'Passionate' or 'we have a passion for'.

    Bollocks you do ,the only thing you are passionate about is emptying my wallet.
    That's the one that has me laughing out loud when I hear it - you look at a dictionary definition of the word "passionate" and then hear it being applied to the design and manufacturing of, say, butterfly nuts and you have to wonder as to the mental health of those involved .

  15. #15

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    When professional wankers call football clubs 'projects' and when they dress football matches to be an 'event'.

    I'd guillotine everyone who was guilty of saying it.
    'Never give a monkey a machine gun.'

  16. #16

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    "Your", as in "on this fully functioned steamer you have your temperature control and your timer which also acts as your safety switch".

    That's simply your subliminal horses shit.

    And don't get me started on "strictly limited".
    Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining.

  17. #17

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    The use of 'iconic' in describing a product as a pair of daps, flip flops or a pork pie.

    Just **** off.
    'Never give a monkey a machine gun.'

  18. #18

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Pseudo home-spun personalisation of factory products:
    5000227507899.jpg

  19. #19

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Taunton Blue Genie View Post
    Pseudo home-spun personalisation of factory products:
    5000227507899.jpg
    See also "mini" versions of things. I bloody hate them, worst thing about Christmas they are.

  20. #20

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    The term 'Designer' clothes. Even the cheapest apparel is designed by someone.

  21. #21

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    When I briefly worked in the marketing departing for a company 3 years ago, I was asked to make the menus of cafes and restaurants more exciting.

    The example of Ham and cheese sandwich I was given read something like "Guthrie honey roasted Neuadd Fach ham and freshly sprinkled goats cheese, served on thick wholemeal bread"

    I said it just makes them sound pretentious and totally unnecessary, but for some reason all of a sudden everyone is obsessed with things that sound middle class, that actually aren't - like a ham and cheese sandwich ffs.

  22. #22

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Jordi Culé View Post
    When professional wankers call football clubs 'projects' and when they dress football matches to be an 'event'.

    I'd guillotine everyone who was guilty of saying it.
    Brendan Rodgers has to be most guilty closely followed by that wanker Malky and then Mark Warburton.

    Off with their heads!!!

  23. #23

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Zenith View Post
    When I briefly worked in the marketing departing for a company 3 years ago, I was asked to make the menus of cafes and restaurants more exciting.

    The example of Ham and cheese sandwich I was given read something like "Guthrie honey roasted Neuadd Fach ham and freshly sprinkled goats cheese, served on thick wholemeal bread"

    I said it just makes them sound pretentious and totally unnecessary, but for some reason all of a sudden everyone is obsessed with things that sound middle class, that actually aren't - like a ham and cheese sandwich ffs.
    Sounds delicious. Where can I get this toastie?

  24. #24

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Majorblue View Post
    'Passionate' or 'we have a passion for'.

    Bollocks you do ,the only thing you are passionate about is emptying my wallet.
    Yep, this is the winner.

  25. #25

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Steve R View Post
    I've heard that helps still sounds wanky in my book.

    You can also 'toss' when stir-frying btw. (morning tony)
    Now THAT really is extreme multi-tasking!

  26. #26

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Zenith View Post
    When I briefly worked in the marketing departing for a company 3 years ago, I was asked to make the menus of cafes and restaurants more exciting.

    The example of Ham and cheese sandwich I was given read something like "Guthrie honey roasted Neuadd Fach ham and freshly sprinkled goats cheese, served on thick wholemeal bread"

    I said it just makes them sound pretentious and totally unnecessary, but for some reason all of a sudden everyone is obsessed with things that sound middle class, that actually aren't - like a ham and cheese sandwich ffs.
    Smashed potato.
    Clear lemonade served over crushed ice accompanied with a wedge of fresh lemon.
    Responsibly sourced filet of pan seared salmon.

  27. #27

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Over the years 1 product has been constantly been re-invented and women constantly fall for it............SHAMPOO Feck me how many times have they fallen for this reinvented shite over the years.Mind you,some advertising techniques are to admired.You may not know that the worlds leading breakfast cereal was originally invented as a cure for excessive masturbation.Have to say you need to eat 24 boxes a day to get any benefit.Old Kellogg missed a trick there.

  28. #28

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by lardy View Post
    Yep, this is the winner.
    You can play a game when watching any reality tv programme, but especially The Apprentice, guessing how many times the word "passion" or "passionate" is used.

  29. #29

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Majorblue View Post
    'Passionate' or 'we have a passion for'.

    Bollocks you do ,the only thing you are passionate about is emptying my wallet.

  30. #30

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Baloo View Post
    SPLITTER!!!!
    Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining.

  31. #31

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by NYCBlue View Post
    "Steel cut", "muddled", "infused", "caramelized", "locally sourced", "aoli" "farm to table".
    'Infused' really gets my back up.
    Whatever the mind can conceive and truly believe, the mind can achieve.

    Cymru am byth

  32. #32

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by sneggyblubird View Post
    Over the years 1 product has been constantly been re-invented and women constantly fall for it............SHAMPOO Feck me how many times have they fallen for this reinvented shite over the years.Mind you,some advertising techniques are to admired.You may not know that the worlds leading breakfast cereal was originally invented as a cure for excessive masturbation.Have to say you need to eat 24 boxes a day to get any benefit.Old Kellogg missed a trick there.
    Yeah, shampoo is right up there in terms of completely fabricated marketing wank. Just had a quick look on Google and found these in 12 seconds

    (Oh and EVERYTHING is 'New Advanced Formula' - the original shampoos must've been absolute shite!)

    * Pro V formula
    * Ceramide
    * 100% natural Argan oil
    * Elvive UV filter
    * Sulphate Free Fortifying System

    Mind you, men's razors are not far behind. I'm waiting for the day when we'll see a razor with 14 blades on it, for the closest shave a man can get, or some other such bollox.
    Whatever the mind can conceive and truly believe, the mind can achieve.

    Cymru am byth

  33. #33

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    This is brilliant and completely sums up shampoo marketing - 'Tightens Your Tuppence'

    shampooscience2.jpg
    Whatever the mind can conceive and truly believe, the mind can achieve.

    Cymru am byth

  34. #34

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Steve R View Post
    I've heard that helps still sounds wanky in my book.

    You can also 'toss' when stir-frying btw. (morning tony)
    Is it finger licking good (afternoon Mrs R)

  35. #35

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    7 out of 10* cat owners say that they cats prefer it


    *13 people who expressed a preference surveyed

    or

    Hurry!!!Sale ends soon...........Yeah right

  36. #36

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Quote Originally Posted by BLUETIT View Post
    Is it finger licking good (afternoon Mrs R)
    Give it a rest you dirty old perv. You're like Benny Hill on heat. Disgusting.

  37. #37

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    "Hand cooked"

  38. #38

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    slowly drizzled

  39. #39

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    Any company with 'Solutions' after their name.........what's the f*cking question?

  40. #40

    Re: Wanky marketing terms

    TRIPLE COOKED CHIPS ! JUS ! MASH !

    CLASSIC ! when applied to a celeb golf tournament.

    IMPACT ! USA boolux speak comes to the UK.

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