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Thread: Crap joke thread

  1. #1

    Crap joke thread

    Let's have a laugh (or not)

    If, at first, you don't succeed, try and try again. Crap advice for skydivers.

  2. #2

    Re: Crap joke thread

    Bloke sat on a train when another passenger politely asks him whether he has a light. "No, just feck off!' he replies. The fag puffer is both startled and intrigued by the response. A while later he asks the man why he replied in such a manner. The bloke explains that he wouldn't give him a light because if he did they might get chatting and enjoy one another's company. "And?" asks the bemused (and by now gasping) fellow traveller.

    "Well," the bloke explained, "if I had we may gotten on like a house on fire and by the end of the journey I may have felt compelled to invite you to my home and introduce you to my lovely wife and beautiful 18-year-old daughter who you would be immediately smitten by. Pretty soon you'd begin an affair when she would soon fall pregnant. But you wouldn't marry her, would you?!"

    "I would, I would marry her!" the nicotine addict protested.

    "No you won't be marrying her," retorted the bloke, "because you're not having a fecking light!"

  3. #3

    Re: Crap joke thread

    #clubsajokeffs

  4. #4

    Re: Crap joke thread

    My kids' all time favourite joke...

    Knock Knock

    Who's there??


    Europe.

    Etc etc


    Well they are 3 and 6 so that's the pinnacle of comedy

  5. #5

    Re: Crap joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Rjk View Post
    My kids' all time favourite joke...

    Knock Knock

    Who's there??


    Europe.

    Etc etc


    Well they are 3 and 6 so that's the pinnacle of comedy
    Funnier than Organ's joke by some distance.

  6. #6

    Re: Crap joke thread

    Where's Uncle Bob?

  7. #7

    Re: Crap joke thread

    Two hunters park their car, climb over a fence to go to the woods, then...
    BANG

    One of them phones for help
    He says to the operator "Help! My gun went of by accident, and I've shot my friend.
    I think he might be dead!"

    The op takes some details then says
    "OK, I've sent emergence services to your location, but let's see if we can do anything while we wait for them to arrive...
    You said you think he's dead - can you make sure"

    OK, says the hunter, and goes off.
    The op hears a BANG! then the hunter comes back and says "OK, what next?"

    ************************************************** **********************

    Blond girl driving around town on way to a job interview, but can't find a parking place.
    Time is running out, so in desperation, she looks to the sky and says
    "Oh Lord, if you can find me a parking space I'll give up smoking, drinking, drugs and sex!"
    Just seconds late, as if by magic, a car pulls out of a space just 30 yards ahead.

    She looks up again and says "OK, don't worry, I've found one myself!"

  8. #8
    Feedback
    Guest

    Re: Crap joke thread

    There is a saying in showbusiness that you should never work with children or animals.

    Never is that truer than when working in porn

  9. #9

    Re: Crap joke thread

    What do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen ?




    Don't go out with her again.

  10. #10

    Re: Crap joke thread

    What goes clip, clop, clip, clop *BANG*, clippety clop, clippety clop, clippety clop?




    A drive by shooting in swansea.

  11. #11

    Re: Crap joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by bobh View Post
    Two hunters park their car, climb over a fence to go to the woods, then...
    BANG

    One of them phones for help
    He says to the operator "Help! My gun went of by accident, and I've shot my friend.
    I think he might be dead!"

    The op takes some details then says
    "OK, I've sent emergence services to your location, but let's see if we can do anything while we wait for them to arrive...
    You said you think he's dead - can you make sure"

    OK, says the hunter, and goes off.
    The op hears a BANG! then the hunter comes back and says "OK, what next?"

    ************************************************** **********************

    Blond girl driving around town on way to a job interview, but can't find a parking place.
    Time is running out, so in desperation, she looks to the sky and says
    "Oh Lord, if you can find me a parking space I'll give up smoking, drinking, drugs and sex!"
    Just seconds late, as if by magic, a car pulls out of a space just 30 yards ahead.

    She looks up again and says "OK, don't worry, I've found one myself!"
    They were both excellent . I even had a little smile to myself .
    Wait till Mrs R gets here , she is the king of bad jokes (queen, whatever)

  12. #12
    International Mrs Steve R's Avatar
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    Re: Crap joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy the Jock View Post
    They were both excellent . I even had a little smile to myself .
    Wait till Mrs R gets here , she is the king of bad jokes (queen, whatever)
    I knew that was coming, other people got that ta Pauline one.

  13. #13

    Re: Crap joke thread

    Why does a duck feel bad when it hears the song "Aint no sunshine"?

    'cos its bill withers

  14. #14

    Re: Crap joke thread

    Mummy , mummy there's a man at the door with a bill.

    Don't be silly dear , it must be a duck with a hat on.

  15. #15

    Re: Crap joke thread

    The Mrs came and sat next to me on the sofa earlier looking really miserable.
    "Cheer up," I said.
    "Oh I'm OK," she sighed, "just a bit sad."
    "You're fab," I said.
    "Thanks," she said.
    "You're mine," I said.
    "I know silly!" she chuckled.
    "I love you," I said.
    "Aww!" she gushed, "that's so lovely!"
    "Marry me," I said.
    She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal: "Yes!" she bellowed. "Yes! Yes!
    Yes!"
    I looked up at her and said, "Yes what?"
    "Yes, I will marry you!" she beamed.
    "Oh Shut up you tart!" I said. "Here, have a Love Heart."

  16. #16

    Re: Crap joke thread

    "It's been proven that 9 out of 10 women
    who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."
    My dog's full of useful information like that.

  17. #17

    Re: Crap joke thread

    Memorable dates in Manchester City's Illustrious
    History:
    1937: Division 1 Title Winners for the first time,
    under Wilf Wild
    1956: FA Cup Winners under Les McDowall
    1968: Division 1 Title Winners under Joe Mercer
    1969: FA Cup Winners under Joe Mercer
    1983: Yaya Toure is born
    1984: Yaya Toure's 1st Birthday
    1985: Yaya Toure's 2nd Birthday
    1986: Yaya Toure's 3rd Birthday
    1987: Yaya Toure's 4th Birthday
    1988: Yaya Toure's 5th Birthday
    1989: Yaya Toure's 6th Birthday
    1990: Yaya Toure's 7th Birthday
    1991: Yaya Toure's 8th Birthday
    1992: Yaya Toure's 9th Birthday
    1993: Yaya Toure's 10th Birthday
    1994: Yaya Toure's 11th Birthday
    1995: Yaya Toure's 12th Birthday
    1996: Yaya Toure's 13th Birthday
    1997: Yaya Toure's 14th Birthday
    1998: Yaya Toure's 15th Birthday
    1999: Yaya Toure's 16th Birthday
    2000: Yaya Toure's 17th Birthday
    2001: Yaya Toure's 18th Birthday
    2002: Yaya Toure's 19th Birthday
    2003: Yaya Toure's 20th Birthday
    2004: Yaya Toure's 21st Birthday
    2005: Yaya Toure's 22nd Birthday
    2006: Yaya Toure's 23rd Birthday
    2007: Yaya Toure's 24th Birthday
    2008: Yaya Toure's 25th Birthday
    2009: Yaya Toure's 26th Birthday
    2010: Yaya Toure's 27th Birthday
    2011: Yaya Toure's 28th Birthday; FA Cup Winners
    under Roberto Mancini
    2012: Yaya Toure's 29th Birthday; Premier League
    Champions under Roberto Mancini
    2013: Yaya Toure's 30th Birthday
    2014: Yaya Toure's 31st Birthday; Premier League
    Champions under Manuel Pellegrini

  18. #18

    Re: Crap joke thread

    The missus said she was bored with our sex life
    the other night, and suggested we try the 'other
    hole.'
    'What?' I replied. 'And end up with a frigging house full of kids?'

  19. #19

    Re: Crap joke thread

    A study has shown that 40% of men
    over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction.
    Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm
    not surprised.

  20. #20

    Re: Crap joke thread

    The other night I was expecting an
    important phone call, so I slept with
    my mobile under the pillow.
    When I woke up, it was gone and
    there was just a shiny new fifty pence
    piece where I'd left it.
    Damn that blue-tooth fairy!

  21. #21

    Re: Crap joke thread

    My young daughter asked me this
    morning, "Daddy, what were you and
    Mummy doing in the bedroom last
    night? I could hear a buzzing noise,
    then Mummy started to scream."
    "Nothing, darling," I replied.
    It was then I burst out laughing as my
    wife walked down the stairs with her
    half-shaved head.

  22. #22

    Re: Crap joke thread

    Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?
    That's as crazy as the amazing Roast dinners you get for just £4.69 at The Hollybush pub in Pendwyallt Rd, Cardiff CF14 7EG

  23. #23

    Re: Crap joke thread

    These were all just taken from my fb page my memories from this day over the years I've been posting on there.

  24. #24

    Re: Crap joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by itkman View Post
    Where's Uncle Bob?

  25. #25

    Re: Crap joke thread

    A man goes to the doctor. He said, "Doc, I think
    there may be something wrong with the pills you
    gave me last time."
    The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you
    think that Mr Jones?"
    "I keep veering to the left, then to the right."
    "I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor.
    "Those are just side effects."

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