2017 General Election: A Cowbridge perspective

[Organ Morgan.]

Visited Sludge at his non-des res Cowbridge bedsit this morning. For once he wasn't attired in his familiar vest replete with stains of unknown origin. It soon became clear why; he had a guest who was sat on the tatty settee. I'd say he was aged early 30s, stockily built, barrel-chested with a strong facial resemblance to Les Dawson. "Alright, pal," I said, as you do. "Hello, my name's Tanya," came the reply.

I soon learnt she was his new partner. They had met in Poundland last week when they glimpsed one another as she was pocketing some baby wipes while he slipped a pack of Mr Kipling Cherry Bakewells inside his jacket. She said she's an unmarried mother of five who's anxious to drop a sixth to qualify for a larger council gaff. There was a brief interlude to her monologue when she headed for the toilet after announcing she was "busting for a piss." Before disappearing she promised "Sludgiekins" that she wouldn't be long. "Hurry back my little custard cream," he cooed.

I gave him a WTF look. Asked what on earth the attraction was, he held his hands out as if holding imaginary balloons. "There's a massive pair of udders on it, that's what," he enthused, "and she can't get enough of it, in fact we've done it four times since 9am this morning." "Feck me," I gasped, glancing at my watch, "it's only quarter to ten now!"

On her return she said she became pregnant with her first child at 16 to the relief of her parents. Upon enquiring why they were relieved, she explained it was unheard of on their estate for any girl to reach her age without having their name down on the housing waiting list. "They were worried that I might be a lesbian," she revealed.

The conversation turned to the General Election. Sludge, a lifelong Tory, was supremely confident of them securing a bigger overall majority when the announcement was made some weeks back. "We'll capture Bridgend and Cardiff West," was his matter-of-fact prediction, "and I wouldn't be surprised if we turned Caerphilly and Pontypridd blue," he added whilst extending his clenched fist right arm high in the air. But today following steadily narrowing opinion polls he was rather more circumspect and complained about the volume of "thick labour voters who know next to nothing about politics."

Titanic Tanya agreed. She complained that most of her neighbours were so dull they thought Miliband is Labour's leader "when everyone knows it's that blacky Dianne Whatsherface." Sludge nodded in agreement.

[bobh]

[Mrs Steve R]

Visited Sludge at his non-des res Cowbridge bedsit this morning. For once he wasn't attired in his familiar vest replete with stains of unknown origin. It soon became clear why; he had a guest who was sat on the tatty settee. I'd say he was aged early 30s, stockily built, barrel-chested with a strong facial resemblance to Les Dawson. "Alright, pal," I said, as you do. "Hello, my name's Tanya," came the reply.

I soon learnt she was his new partner. They had met in Poundland last week when they glimpsed one another as she was pocketing some baby wipes while he slipped a pack of Mr Kipling Cherry Bakewells inside his jacket. She said she's an unmarried mother of five who's anxious to drop a sixth to qualify for a larger council gaff. There was a brief interlude to her monologue when she headed for the toilet after announcing she was "busting for a piss." Before disappearing she promised "Sludgiekins" that she wouldn't be long. "Hurry back my little custard cream," he cooed.

I gave him a WTF look. Asked what on earth the attraction was, he held his hands out as if holding imaginary balloons. "There's a massive pair of udders on it, that's what," he enthused, "and she can't get enough of it, in fact we've done it four times since 9am this morning." "Feck me," I gasped, glancing at my watch, "it's only quarter to ten now!"

On her return she said she became pregnant with her first child at 16 to the relief of her parents. Upon enquiring why they were relieved, she explained it was unheard of on their estate for any girl to reach her age without having their name down on the housing waiting list. "They were worried that I might be a lesbian," she revealed.

The conversation turned to the General Election. Sludge, a lifelong Tory, was supremely confident of them securing a bigger overall majority when the announcement was made some weeks back. "We'll capture Bridgend and Cardiff West," was his matter-of-fact prediction, "and I wouldn't be surprised if we turned Caerphilly and Pontypridd blue," he added whilst extending his clenched fist right arm high in the air. But today following steadily narrowing opinion polls he was rather more circumspect and complained about the volume of "thick labour voters who know next to nothing about politics."

Titanic Tanya agreed. She complained that most of her neighbours were so dull they thought Miliband is Labour's leader "when everyone knows it's that blacky Dianne Whatsherface." Sludge nodded in agreement.