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Thread: 12 Great One Liners

  1. #1

    12 Great One Liners

    Tommy for me

    Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”

    Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

    Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”

    Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”

    Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”

    Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."

    Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

    Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”

    Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”

    Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"

    Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

    Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

  2. #2

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    I like the last one.

  3. #3

  4. #4

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Went out with a couple of anorexic girls the other day. Two birds, one stone.

  5. #5

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    I nearly finished my book on anger management, but then I lost it.

  6. #6

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Bob Monkhouse - "My memory is so good, I can remember things before I was even born. For example, I remember going to a disco with my father, and coming home with my mother".

  7. #7

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Quote Originally Posted by Badly Ironed Shirt View Post
    Bob Monkhouse - "My memory is so good, I can remember things before I was even born. For example, I remember going to a disco with my father, and coming home with my mother".

  8. #8
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    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Bob Monkhouse again.
    " when I was in school and told me friends i as going to be a comedian they all laughed at me. They're not laughing now!"

  9. #9

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    More Bob Monkhouse- I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76, so it's no distance.

  10. #10
    International
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    11,614

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Norman Wisdom
    "When you get older 3 things happen, The first thing is your memory goes.....and I can't remember the other two!"

  11. #11

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Groucho to a woman, "I'd dance with you until the cows come home", on closer inspection, "I'll dance with the cows until you come home".

  12. #12

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    I went to the fancy dress shop this afternoon to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween, the girl who served me brought me a Swansea City shirt, I think she must've misheard me - I said I want to look like a Count.....

  13. #13

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity,
    so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge!

  14. #14

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    I have just bought a dog from a local blacksmith.
    As soon as I brought it home it made a bolt for the door.

  15. #15

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Woody Allen - I'm damn good at sex, I've been practising daily since i was 12

  16. #16

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    The only digference between the English and the Germans is that the English think they are the master race. The Germans know they are.

  17. #17

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    My girlfriend accused me of stalking her!
    Well she's not really my girlfriend!

  18. #18

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Quote Originally Posted by William Treseder View Post
    My girlfriend accused me of stalking her!
    Well she's not really my girlfriend!
    Well, MY girlfriend says I lack commitment.
    Well, I say 'girlfriend'...

  19. #19

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Quote Originally Posted by Steve R View Post
    I went to the fancy dress shop this afternoon to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween, the girl who served me brought me a Swansea City shirt, I think she must've misheard me - I said I want to look like a Count.....
    Guy went to aHalloween party wearing nothing but a red ribbon tied around one of his testicles.
    "I'm it!" he said "the fancy dress ball!"

  20. #20

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    I love telling dad jokes, and sometimes he even laughs.

  21. #21

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    I went to see a house the other day with period features, my wife hates it when I call her that

  22. #22

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Quote Originally Posted by Croesy Blue View Post
    I went to see a house the other day with period features, my wife hates it when I call her that

  23. #23

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Quote Originally Posted by Croesy Blue View Post
    I went to see a house the other day with period features, my wife hates it when I call her that

  24. #24

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Quote Originally Posted by Croesy Blue View Post
    I went to see a house the other day with period features, my wife hates it when I call her that
    That is excellent

  25. #25

    Re: 12 Great One Liners

    Quote Originally Posted by Croesy Blue View Post
    I went to see a house the other day with period features, my wife hates it when I call her that

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