The highlight of every patriotic Briton's Christmas Day festivities has come and gone once again with the live broadcast of the monarch's address from Sandringham House in Norfolk from where she will spend the festive period with her family.

In her remarks she reflected upon major events that occurred in 2018 and congratulated Harry Redknapp for capturing this year's I'm a Celebrity crown. She acknowledged that many of her loyal subjects continue to suffer privation caused by austerity and that it was easy for her to empathise with their plight as she struggles to get by on her £82 million annual Sovereign Grant payment. Her finances, she said, had become so stretched that she felt compelled to reduce one of her corgis to part-time status and another is now on an even more precarious zero-hour contract.

In years prior, before Prince Charles remarried, her message was considerably longer than the ten minute duration it has been latterly. Royal insiders believe that ever since the commoner formerly known as Camilla Parker-Bowles, who has a notoriously voracious appetite, has been on the plot Her Majesty has been anxious to return to the dining table through fear of that gutsy fecker scoffing what remained of the trifle.

In a familiar downbeat ending, accompanied with a mischievous glint in her eye, she said Prince Philip wasn't feeling up to the mark today and was celebrating privately, which is code for: he reached for the brandy straight after breakfast and is currently snorting coke from a scullery maid's belly button.