Reply With QuoteWent to my local supermarket and they’ve now got bouncers on the door.
I asked him if it was ok to come in wearing trainers
He wasn’t impressed for some reason
| + Visit Cardiff FC for Latest News, Transfer Gossip, Fixtures and Match Results |
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"🤪🤪😂😂😂
Went to my local supermarket and they’ve now got bouncers on the door.
I asked him if it was ok to come in wearing trainers
He wasn’t impressed for some reason
A neighbour asked what essential oil I used to keep the kids calm during lockdown
I said it was chloroform
I saw its law that you have to put your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden
How the feck am I supposed to know when it's raining in sweden?
Bill Gates dies, and is in purgatory.
An angel and aa demon come to him and say that they can't decicide ehere to send him.
How come? says Bill.
"Well", they say, you deserve to go to heaven because you brought trchnology to the masses, but you deserve to go to hell because you foisted that awful Windows 10 on them.
So we'll let you decide where to go after we show you around"
They open the Pearly Gates and show him Heaven.
Angels are playing harps, people's spirits are lying around on clouds.
Bill thinks it looks a bit boring. "Show me Hell" he says.
So they open the gates of Hell.
He sees people running around fields, all naked.
Bill thinks that he could get used to that.
"I'll go to Hell"
So the demon takes him and throws him into a pit of burning oil.
"Wait"says Bill. "what about running around in fields?"
"Aaah!" says the demon - "That was the pre-release demo version!"
When Paul Young used to visit me he always stole a piece of chicken, pork or beef from my fridge on his way out.
When I stopped inviting him he asked me why, I said every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you. 😄 ¥
Wayne Rooney is suing Tesco for putting his signature on their Hot Cross Buns
Just saw someone with a supermarket trolley full of San Miguel, Tequila, nachos, tacos and a sombrero - Hispanic buying!
I was watching Borat on TV and I've just come out in a Hell of a rash.
I think I've got an Ali G
Apparently Germans have been panic buying after hearing of a shortage of sausage and cheese. It's the Wurst Kase scenario though.
A man goes to the doctor for a follow-up visit.
The doctor greets him by name and asks him how his bowel movements have been since taking the medication prescribed on the last visit.
The patient responds that he is no longer constipated and passes a motion regularly at 8am every morning.
'Wonderful' says the doctor.
'It's not wonderful at all' replies the patient. 'I don't get up until 9'.
British children are kind but German children are Kinder.Originally Posted by cyril evans awaydays
Your illness didn't leave you with an improved sense of humour, uncle bob
I am driving my Mrs bezerk now. 🤣🤣
Don't do what I did. She said if I was bored I could make a bird table. With hindsight I shouldn't have put her in 6th place!
A man walks into a bar. As he sits down he looks up and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the barman, “what’s with the meat?”
The barman says: “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces of meat at once, you get free drinks for an hour but if you miss even one you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Do you want to try it?”
The man takes another look at the meat and says: “Naw, I think I’ll give it a miss , The steaks are too high.”
I'm crying laughing afterreading this.
It reminde me about what bobby Robson said about Gazza.
He said one day after England training he went into the changing room and Gazza was sitting there holding a letter and crying. When Robson asked him why he said that Gazza had just found out that his sister had 2 brothers and he only had one!
Does anyone want to buy 100 scotch eggs and 200 sausage rolls? My dyslexic mate thought everyone was picnic buying!!!
Now that did make me laugh!
I’ve decided to write jokes about eyes. The cornea the better.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👀👀
Mate of mine has started a business making yachts, he makes them in his attic.................the sails are going through the roof!
He wanted to see my voop
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-xbqdnp...d=ro2mwiesree2
When I was young I hated having a Dad called Simon.
I had to do everything that He said. 🙁
Posting Permissions