What advice would you give your sixteen year old self?

[Keyser Soze]

A fair crack at pinning things down but also personally interesting. I would answer the OP's question in terms of feeling comfortable with myself rather than achievement. Most of my life has been spent chasing ideals that I've been told are essential and I failed. I'm 54, single and have no real career to speak of and there are still dissenting voices that I haven't ticked "the right boxes" but what happens if some of us just aren't cut out for poker?

Is the advice one gives your 16 year old self merely about attainment or not worrying about the perceptions of an irrational, poker playing world? Or both?

Sorry to hear that. I think perhaps you took my view as one about money only, but actually it is about happiness. It just so happened that money was one thing I needed to avoid unhappiness, but doesn't actually make me happy by itself.

I found I had too much going on in my in my head. I always this well, but too much and I go into analysis paralysis and get nothing done - then I can hit a wall. In remaining happy, and to keep moving forward, is best to write it all down. This has several benefits:

1. You can see and understand what can make you happy
2. You can identify your causes of happiness .
3. By doing the above, you can write some action plans to reduce your happiness, and increase behaviours that increase your happiness
4. Have a method to monitor your behaviours, and see if you are behaving and taking action often enough to reduce your unhappiness and increase your happiness.
5. Reflect on your plan and how you feel

How to begin? Shut off the TV and any distractions. Give yourself time as this is important. You start by ruminating with a clear mind, a pen an paper. You ask two things:

WHAT IS MAKING ME UNHAPPY?

The list might be something like 1-5....

1. I am unfit

A. Walk 5 miles by end of month 1
B 7 miles by end of month 2
C. jog 1 mile by month 3
D. jog 2 miles by month 3

2. I don't like my job

A. Think about why. Is it people, the skills, the place, the industry?
B. List actions to change the above that I can control (do a new course, move, change job, speak to people
on linked in etc.
C. Change my CV and get references
D. Apply for 20 jobs I want in Feb.
E. Another 20 by March

3. I don't have enough money
A. Reduce my savings
B. Do something to earn more money. 2nd job, or change my job, or identify steps with boss to get a rise /
promotion

4. I hate being stuck in the house all the time
A. Go for walks Monday. Jog on Tuesday. Gardening Wednesdays.

5. I feel alone
A. Go down the pub and say Hi to someone new each Friday
B. Join a new club. Try 1 new one in Jan. Get 3 phone numbers and invite out for coffee or beer
C. Join another club in Feb. Get 3 phone numbers and invite out for coffee or beer

6. I hate my mother in law
A. Visit her once each two months, not weekly

7. My friendship group depresses me as I cannot keep up with their spending habits
A. Reduce time with them
B. Build a new friendship groups via clubs with common interests

For each of the above, list the action plan you can do to get rid of those problems. Goals, actions and rough timelines of when you think you take action to correct the problematic issues. The above wasn't my list but shows an example of common problems (1-5) and actionable targets to correct each one (A-E with actionable targets). In following your actions things like "Fear of Rejection" might prevent you doing the actions such as inviting people out etc. Don't give a shit. Worst they can do is say "No." What you must do is not care about rejections or "no" responses. Take pride from the fact you are progressing through your action list as that is progress and it is just a matter of time before it lands and you feel better.


WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? IF UNSURE, AS WHEN DO I REMEMBER BEING HAPPY? OR WHAT DO I THINK MIGHT MAKE ME HAPPY?

During my big "dips" when I suffered depression (one when I was 25 and one very bad one last summer) I had to re-think these. When I was 25 I had to think "When did I feel my happiest?" and also "What do I think will make me happy?". Last summer was more "This is crazy I have everything I could ever want, so why am I not happy?" (the answer was I had focused too much on a few major items, and the smaller "happies" I had neglected for years, so just had to get back on track, and re-focus my time).

That list could be totally different stuff, or might just be the opposite of the "Unhappy" list. It could be wanting t try new things. So a list could look like:

1. I love travelling. I need to travel more

A. Go to Scotland this year
B. Save and go to Malaysia next year

2. I miss my family
A. Phone a relative once every 2 weeks
B. Spend a weekend with family one weekend every two months

3. I love rock music
A. See my old band once a year and sign up for membership
B. Once a month listen to a new live band
C. Every weekend find an emerging band album and listen on Soundcloud

4. I love reading
A. Read a book for two hours a week
B. Read a newspaper three mornings a week

Same approach as the "Unhappy List". Identify actions to make them happen for each item, as per action list above (A, B, C etc.)

SCHEDULE YOUR TIME
Cut out the time spent on the unhappy things, or correct them. Schedule more time to target only on the actions from above list that make you happy and help reach your goals, or increase them a lot. I do this via my phone and pen and pad. So in your calendar on the wall / phone, split your time into:

A. POSITIVE TASK (makes you happy):
B. NEGATIVE TASK (makes you unhappy)

For example, 8-9 PM: NEGATIVE TASK : Visit Mother in Law.
POSITIVES TASK : Gym / Read / Music Club

PLAN & MONITOR YOUR ACTIONS / TIME & REFLECT ON PROGRESS
1. At the start of each week, plan your time. Now you have categorised the happy tasks and unhappy tasks, does it look more positive than negative tasks? Alter it until you have more happy tasks than unhappy tasks. If there are lot of unhappy tasks why on earth are you doing so much of it? This exercise alone will reveal the probable cause of why you are not as happy as you want to be.

2. At end of week did you complete them as planned?

3. At end of each week & month, assess all your "unhappiness" items (1-5). Are you progressing? It is making you feel better? If so, keep repeating it. If not, ask why? Is the list of happy / unhappy wrong? Did the actions fail? Did the actions succeed but it failed to make you better? Reflect regularly.

Now you have a repeatable process, you now have (at least in principle) have a method for ruthlessly managing and planning your life to make you happier or unhappier. Ultimately, money or no money, it is committing your time to managing your happiness that matters. Say "No" to the people and things that stop you managing your time that way. No excuses. Get ruthless.

Let me know if you get anything out of it or if its helpful. I hope it does. Your happiness should override anything else.
This works for me. It is your life and it isn't a dress rehearsal

[Keyser Soze]

Sorry to hear that. I think perhaps you took my view as one about money only, but actually it is about happiness. It just so happened that money was one thing I needed to avoid unhappiness, but doesn't actually make me happy by itself.

I found I had too much going on in my in my head. I always this well, but too much and I go into analysis paralysis and get nothing done - then I can hit a wall. In remaining happy, and to keep moving forward, is best to write it all down. This has several benefits:

1. You can see and understand what can make you happy
2. You can identify your causes of happiness .
3. By doing the above, you can write some action plans to reduce your happiness, and increase behaviours that increase your happiness
4. Have a method to monitor your behaviours, and see if you are behaving and taking action often enough to reduce your unhappiness and increase your happiness.
5. Reflect on your plan and how you feel

How to begin? Shut off the TV and any distractions. Give yourself time as this is important. You start by ruminating with a clear mind, a pen an paper. You ask two things:

WHAT IS MAKING ME UNHAPPY?

The list might be something like 1-5....

1. I am unfit

A. Walk 5 miles by end of month 1
B 7 miles by end of month 2
C. jog 1 mile by month 3
D. jog 2 miles by month 3

2. I don't like my job

A. Think about why. Is it people, the skills, the place, the industry?
B. List actions to change the above that I can control (do a new course, move, change job, speak to people
on linked in etc.
C. Change my CV and get references
D. Apply for 20 jobs I want in Feb.
E. Another 20 by March

3. I don't have enough money
A. Reduce my savings
B. Do something to earn more money. 2nd job, or change my job, or identify steps with boss to get a rise /
promotion

4. I hate being stuck in the house all the time
A. Go for walks Monday. Jog on Tuesday. Gardening Wednesdays.

5. I feel alone
A. Go down the pub and say Hi to someone new each Friday
B. Join a new club. Try 1 new one in Jan. Get 3 phone numbers and invite out for coffee or beer
C. Join another club in Feb. Get 3 phone numbers and invite out for coffee or beer

6. I hate my mother in law
A. Visit her once each two months, not weekly

7. My friendship group depresses me as I cannot keep up with their spending habits
A. Reduce time with them
B. Build a new friendship groups via clubs with common interests

For each of the above, list the action plan you can do to get rid of those problems. Goals, actions and rough timelines of when you think you take action to correct the problematic issues. The above wasn't my list but shows an example of common problems (1-5) and actionable targets to correct each one (A-E with actionable targets). In following your actions things like "Fear of Rejection" might prevent you doing the actions such as inviting people out etc. Don't give a shit. Worst they can do is say "No." What you must do is not care about rejections or "no" responses. Take pride from the fact you are progressing through your action list as that is progress and it is just a matter of time before it lands and you feel better.


WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? IF UNSURE, AS WHEN DO I REMEMBER BEING HAPPY? OR WHAT DO I THINK MIGHT MAKE ME HAPPY?

During my big "dips" when I suffered depression (one when I was 25 and one very bad one last summer) I had to re-think these. When I was 25 I had to think "When did I feel my happiest?" and also "What do I think will make me happy?". Last summer was more "This is crazy I have everything I could ever want, so why am I not happy?" (the answer was I had focused too much on a few major items, and the smaller "happies" I had neglected for years, so just had to get back on track, and re-focus my time).

That list could be totally different stuff, or might just be the opposite of the "Unhappy" list. It could be wanting t try new things. So a list could look like:

1. I love travelling. I need to travel more

A. Go to Scotland this year
B. Save and go to Malaysia next year

2. I miss my family
A. Phone a relative once every 2 weeks
B. Spend a weekend with family one weekend every two months

3. I love rock music
A. See my old band once a year and sign up for membership
B. Once a month listen to a new live band
C. Every weekend find an emerging band album and listen on Soundcloud

4. I love reading
A. Read a book for two hours a week
B. Read a newspaper three mornings a week

Same approach as the "Unhappy List". Identify actions to make them happen for each item, as per action list above (A, B, C etc.)

SCHEDULE YOUR TIME
Cut out the time spent on the unhappy things, or correct them. Schedule more time to target only on the actions from above list that make you happy and help reach your goals, or increase them a lot. I do this via my phone and pen and pad. So in your calendar on the wall / phone, split your time into:

A. POSITIVE TASK (makes you happy):
B. NEGATIVE TASK (makes you unhappy)

For example, 8-9 PM: NEGATIVE TASK : Visit Mother in Law.
POSITIVES TASK : Gym / Read / Music Club

PLAN & MONITOR YOUR ACTIONS / TIME & REFLECT ON PROGRESS
1. At the start of each week, plan your time. Now you have categorised the happy tasks and unhappy tasks, does it look more positive than negative tasks? Alter it until you have more happy tasks than unhappy tasks. If there are lot of unhappy tasks why on earth are you doing so much of it? This exercise alone will reveal the probable cause of why you are not as happy as you want to be.

2. At end of week did you complete them as planned?

3. At end of each week & month, assess all your "unhappiness" items (1-5). Are you progressing? It is making you feel better? If so, keep repeating it. If not, ask why? Is the list of happy / unhappy wrong? Did the actions fail? Did the actions succeed but it failed to make you better? Reflect regularly.

Now you have a repeatable process, you now have (at least in principle) have a method for ruthlessly managing and planning your life to make you happier or unhappier. Ultimately, money or no money, it is committing your time to managing your happiness that matters. Say "No" to the people and things that stop you managing your time that way. No excuses. Get ruthless.

Let me know if you get anything out of it or if its helpful. I hope it does. Your happiness should override anything else.
This works for me. It is your life and it isn't a dress rehearsal

Also, I forgot to add a few final points:

*. Many people are restricted by time. Normal. So for the unhappy list to get moving, attack the items (and actions) in order of priority, and take action on the items that you think make you the most unhappy.

*. On the happy list, rank the items in order of what will make you the most happy first, or the ones that are more achievable first. Attack them first and you'll feel a positive payoff quicker.

The first few weeks are frustrating as not much happens. Chill! Pat yourself on the back for at least thinking about it, taking the time to plan it and TAKING ACTION to sort it. Congratulations.

That is more than most people in the world, regardless of whether they are rich or not, or happy or not. By having this in place you and DOING IT WEEKLY you can give yourself a huge pat on the back that you are at least "A Man With A Plan". The weekly planning and reflection keeps you on course every week. And as with any system, it is CONSISTENCY of using it that gets results, not stop-start. As will all plans, they take time to pay off so be patient with yourself. Don't worry about the end goals, just focus on the process (actions) and the results will come alter. But I found that once I implemented it, it took me only 4-6 weeks to start feeling better, getting results landing and getting back to my personal best.

[Bluebirdman Of Alcathays]

Sorry to hear that. I think perhaps you took my view as one about money only, but actually it is about happiness. It just so happened that money was one thing I needed to avoid unhappiness, but doesn't actually make me happy by itself.

Thanks but it's okay. One has to accept the shambolic times and try and see their value otherwise they wear you down (and they have but I'm sorting that out).

I wasn't solely taking the view that your post was about money; you mention some regret about relationships and friendships but also
missing out on investments, although that might be about the playing the game rather than the reward. I'm aware we're all fundamentally driven to find comfort and connection and the world can reward it in different ways. If you've done well then cool.

But the point I was trying to make is would you (or anyone) tell your 16 year old self how to get lucky or to learn the guitar (near enough the same thing back in the day but apparently not anymore) in order to fulfil ambition and status, or do you teach him to be more at ease with himself, to learn how to separate the white noise from the birdsong and whatever happens after that is part of the adventure?

(Maybe this is just a personal thing and everyone else never had that problem).

Kind of you to post all the guidance. I've been working on things for a good while now using various tools, mainly to try and dismantle bad old habits and cultivate new ones. Cheers though.

[Keyser Soze]

Thanks but it's okay. One has to accept the shambolic times and try and see their value otherwise they wear you down (and they have but I'm sorting that out).

I wasn't solely taking the view that your post was about money; you mention some regret about relationships and friendships but also
missing out on investments, although that might be about the playing the game rather than the reward. I'm aware we're all fundamentally driven to find comfort and connection and the world can reward it in different ways. If you've done well then cool.

But the point I was trying to make is would you (or anyone) tell your 16 year old self how to get lucky or to learn the guitar (near enough the same thing back in the day but apparently not anymore) in order to fulfil ambition and status, or do you teach him to be more at ease with himself, to learn how to separate the white noise from the birdsong and whatever happens after that is part of the adventure?

(Maybe this is just a personal thing and everyone else never had that problem).

Kind of you to post all the guidance. I've been working on things for a good while now using various tools, mainly to try and dismantle bad old habits and cultivate new ones. Cheers though.

I would ask why do you want to learn it at all? The actions should always be with a purpose. Is it for pleasure, or to be in a band? Or to be cool and keep up with mates? Ask the "Why?".

If it is because you want to have fun with your mates and it will get you tons of sex (both forms of happiness) then do it. If it is because you think the guitar is that it gives you pleasure or a sense of achievement (happiness) then do it. If it because you have ambition to be in a band then that is a life goal (happiness) so do it.

If it is just to keep up with mates and it is perceived to be cool and you don't want to be left out then seriously question is it worth it at all.

It is all about the "Why?". Act with a purpose, and act to achieve your goals / happiness, or to reduce happiness. But not "just because" or with no clear reason.

[Bluebirdman Of Alcathays]

I would ask why do you want to learn it at all? The actions should always be with a purpose. Is it for pleasure, or to be in a band? Or to be cool and keep up with mates? Ask the "Why?".

If it is because you want to have fun with your mates and it will get you tons of sex (both forms of happiness) then do it. If it is because you think the guitar is that it gives you pleasure or a sense of achievement (happiness) then do it. If it because you have ambition to be in a band then that is a life goal (happiness) so do it.

If it is just to keep up with mates and it is perceived to be cool and you don't want to be left out then seriously question is it worth it at all.

It is all about the "Why?". Act with a purpose, and act to achieve your goals / happiness, or to reduce happiness. But not "just because" or with no clear reason.

Okay, but some (remember, we're all only 16 and dopey) might not know the purpose, or that you might not even like guitars but they're fashionable and you've heard playing the guitar will impress women, that you think that'll make you happy until you join a band and get bottled off by skinheads and wind up lost on tour in Lincolnshire and the van breaks down and your diabetic bassist has no insulin and you think what am I doing here? It's about understanding purpose and finding what you want instead of having the bias of others flung at you.

The regret of drift: people have whole careers wondering how on Earth they got there.

[chris lee]

I like the poker analogy, It is very similar to my views.

I read a lot of stoicism and have two things I always come back to, first is a quote and then a visualising exercise.

My quote which I believe they use in AA meetings:
'Give me the serenity accept that which I can not change,
the courage to change the things the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.'


Then my visualising exercise is hard to to articulate but I will try briefly:
close your eyes and picture a vast endless ocean, Imagine life is just you and everybody else floating around in the middle of this ocean, mostly the water will be calm, however you have no way of knowing when the waves will come, or how bad the storm will be and how long it will last.
Therefore your only choice is to prepare the best you can when the sea is calm and hold on and ride through the storms when they hit. Everybody floating in the ocean will be hit by the same storm but their mindset and preparation will affect how they come through it.