Went to Sludge's dreary dump yesterday. Unlike my previous trip, and perhaps because this government is clearly on its arse, he steered clear of politics. Last time we had a ruck as his propaganda really got on my nerves. He had a right sulk when I said what I thought of Liz Truss and when I told him "Chancellor Ongo Bongo from the Congo can feck off as well" I had the silent treatment for 10 minutes.

He was busy doing an inventory of his DVD collection. They were piled up in columns on a table. Only three out of circa 250 weren't porno flicks. One was Bill Shankly: The Anfield Glory Years.

The second tallest pile was marked Lesbian. I examined three of them. Their front and back covers were filled with shocking imagery which I shan't describe. The first was titled Lesbo Lust, another was Minge Munchers. The other, which made me gasp, was Quivering Quims.

"How do you watch this disgusting filth?!" I demanded to know with all the incredulity I could muster. "Easy," came his facetious reply, "I pop it into the DVD player, press play, sit on the settee, rest a box of paper tissues on an arm then point my head towards the TV."

Whilst I was complaining he was merrily cleaning each of them with his feather duster. He wasn't giving them perfunctory flicks either; it was plainly a labour of love.

The highest pile by a considerable margin was, unsurprisingly, given he has tits on the brain, labelled Huge Hooters. Their titles included: Mountainous Melons, Noshable Nipples and Double D Dutch Dumplings.

The libido of the Vale's number one sex pest show no signs of diminishing.