Hello. I am Ronaldo McDonaldo. How may I help you today?
Ronald of Swansea. Has a lovely smile. Should be on the till, welcoming customers. But fair play to him he answered the call to help Swansea's relegation battle so you can't fault his 'Care In The Community' ethos. What makes me laugh is that as with all Townhill Taliban people with a fake tan, it’s the colouring that matters to them, not the content. Stick a Brazilian name on it and the Townhill Taliban get damp. "Ooh look its a Brazilian. Time to get excited mush" they exclaim, like a local teenage boy when his girlfriend comes back from Townhill's 'Twenty 23 Beauty' waxing parlour. But I watched the game on the weekend, and where do I start with this goon?

Lettuce In, Please
All Ronald wanted to do was to be allowed into a decent league. To be let in. Fair enough. Who can blame an athlete that wants to leave a country rife with corruption and bent politics, when the diamonds can be earned abroad? Can’t fault his ambition. Wise man. And his agent has clearly done a good job of allowing a fast guy with a little dribble to be let in to a country of his dreams. Unlike his client, his agent seems to be playing a regular blinder. Just look at McDonaldo's not so vital statistics.....

YEAR CLUB GAMES GOALS
2019 Corumbaense 11 (1)
2020–2021 Atlético Goianiense 1 (0)
2021 → Grêmio Anápolis (loan) 14 (2)
2021–2024 Grêmio Anápolis 0 (0)
2021 → Atlético Goianiense (loan) 25 (0)
2022 → Guarani (loan) 18 (1)
2022–2024 → Estrela da Amadora (loan) 46 (6)
2024– Swansea City 10 (2)

He was allowed into the country, but other than his two freak goals in one game, his pattern looks pretty similar to the last five years. A top player, with the hype being thrown around McDonaldo, would not be passed back and forth, sold and loaned like an unwanted item of clothing on Vinted back and forth between the Brazilian and Portuguese tiers. The bottom of Portugal's Primeira Liga is bad enough, but the Liga Portugal 2 is like the standard of Rochdale without the fitness. 6 in 46 in the Portuguese league just doesn't get me hard. Certainly not enough to pony up £1.5m to £2m as it was reputed.

Shiny Packaging: What is It?
“I’ve got it, I’ve got it. What is it?” was a line by legebdary investor Peter Lynch. He was referring to mug punters who buy the latest craze, latest fashion, or a popular share in a company, without doing their homework. Ronald is exactly that. In last week’s “Clown’s Conference” in Swansea, senior members of the board admitted there was no scouting, no data analysis and no recruitment strategy in place. Well, this is what happens. An agent calls when you’re desperate and says: “I have a great up and coming Brazilian player for 1.5m. He can trial next week.” He shoved his togs on, turns up and dribbles past a few Toothless Taliban players who have the pace of a wet sandbag. Hearts rise, the heart rate pulses and the wallet opens up like a hookers legs.

What is he? A sprinter? Yes. A dribbler? Sometimes. End product? No. A finisher? No. A crosser? No. A set piece taker? Errm, I think we know the answer to that one. The man flatters to deceive. His consistent statistics tell us so. I liken him to a Costa Dorada time-share promotion in the 1980s. Shiny brochure. Sunny disposition. Excellently promoted. But a fraud. What was once done in Spain is now being sold to mug punters in Swansea via Brazil. Stupidity and failure is in the blood. Regardless of the blip in results at the weekend, those fundamentals do not change.

Would you like a Deliveroo?
Don’t ask Ronald for that, because you’ll be waiting a long time for your delivery of the end product. He fails in Brazil. Then fails in Portugal. Now he joins the “Fathers of Failure” in Swansea. This man may do the odd dazzling dribble and fancy footwork. But unless there is a shot in target (as opposed to balloons into the sky like his), an incisive pass, or a quality cross, what is the point? None of it happens. It’s like a gigolo with ten inches of pride, waving it about in front of an eager lady, getting her all excited, only to go all floppy the moment he sinks in past the flaps.

Where will this BicMac delivery end up?
So with a lack of output people will see through him by next season. Eventually he will be called out as a fake - like a “Neo-Irish” pale Swansea boy with a fake tan. Because the collars just don’t match the cuffs. Far from being a BigMac this fella is more like LittleMac. My hunch is he’ll be back to scratching a living in Brazil, Spain or Portugal - in their “La Segunda”. Just like Mc Donalds, Swansea to him and his agent is just a temporary Drive-Thru. And for his agent and him, the wallets of Swansea folk are just like a Big Mac - used to fatten up their own.

Munch, munch. Cock leg up - paaarp! “Onto the next destination, driver…”