Spike Milligan

[The Rev Arthur Belling]

He would have been 98 today. Taken far to young.

[Cyclops]

"I told you I was ill"

[The Rev Arthur Belling]

You bloody fool Milligan you've driven us into a minefield! It's alright sir it's one of ours

[chris]

watch him try put portsmouth into the programme room 101 : sheer genius

[Ring_Peace]

I must go down to the sea again,
to the lonely sea and the sky;
I left my shoes and socks there -
I wonder if they're dry?

[bobh]

Two men go hunting.
They park in a lay-by, but as they climb over a fence, a gun goes off and shoots one of them.
The other phones for help.
"Help! My friend's been shot! He may be dead!"
""Ok, calm down" says the operator.
"I've sent emergency services to your location, now let's see if we can do anything while we're waiting for them to arrive. You said he may be dead - can you make sure?"
"Just a minute" says the hunter.
"The operator hears a bang, then the hunter gets back on the phone and says "OK, what next?"

[Badly Ironed Shirt]

I must go down to the sea again,
to the lonely sea and the sky;
I left my shoes and socks there -
I wonder if they're dry?

"Help Help" said a man who was drowning,
"Hang on" said a man from the shore,
"Help help, I'm not clowning",
"I know, I heard you before",
"For you see, dear man who is drowning
I have a terrible disease,
I'm waiting for Dr Browning
So try and be patient please".
"How long" said the man who was drowning,
"Will it take for him to arrive"
"Not very long", said the man with the disease,
"Until then, try to stay alive",
"Very well" said the man who was drowning,
"I'll try to stay afloat
By reciting the poems of Browning,
And all the other things he wrote"
"Help help" said the man with the disease
"I'm starting to feel quite ill"
"Keep calm" said the man who was drowning
"Breathe deeply and lie very still".

"Oh dear" said the man with the disease
"I think I'm about to die"
"Farewell" said the man who was drowning,
Said the man with the disease "Good bye!"

So the man who was drowning, drownded,
And the man with the disease passed away
But apart from that
And a fire in my hat
It's been a very nice day.

May have got some things wrong on that one, it's from memory. If only it was on the GCSE syllabus.

[Badly Ironed Shirt]

On getting called up for war duty:-

"One day, an envelope marked OHMS fell on the mat. Time for my appendicitis, I thought.
'For Christ's sake, don't open it,' said Uncle, prodding it with a stick. 'Last time I did, I ended in Mesopotamia, chased by Turks waving pots of Vaseline and shouting "Lawrence we love you" in Ottoman'
Father looked at his watch. 'Time for another advance' he said and took a step forward. Weeks went by, and several more OHMS letters arrived, finally arriving at the rate of TWO a DAY stamped "URGENT".
'The King must think a lot of you son, writing all those letters' said Mother as she humped sacks of coal into the cellar. One Sunday, while Mother was repointing the house, as a treat Father opened one of the letters. In it was a cunningly worded invitation to partake in World War 2, starting at seven and sixpence a week. 'Just fancy' said Mother as she carried Father upstairs for his bath, 'of all the people in England, they've chosen you. It's a great honour son"
Laughingly I felled her with a right cross"

Brilliant.

[rich munn]

The boy stood on the burning deck.
Twit.

[Grievous Angel]

Every time I think of Milligan, I also think of this;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tjHlFPTwVk[/URL]