Wanky marketing terms

[Arfur Europe]

We've all seen them and subconsciously get bombarded with them every day. I've now decided it's high time we fight back, by pointing them out to the everyday CCMB user.

So to kick off, a personal 'favourite' of mine is a wanky psuedo 'ingredient' that is allegedly put into products for our own benefit.

L Casei Immunitas is a corker of a made up ingredient, and was pumped out on Danone adverts a few years ago.

Back to the modern day, and I've just been chomping on some olives from Tesco. Very nice they are too, but on the label it says 'Haldiki Olives - lovingly blended with Slow Roasted Tomatoes'

The casual observer might opine that said olives were rolled on the thighs of Aztec virgins, as they whispered sweet nothings into their pitted exteriors, before gently caressing them into a mixture of olive oil, myriad herbs and said tomatoes.

The fact of the matter is, they almost certainly got thrashed around in a huge vat in Grimsby by an alcoholic divorced bloke, who was probably smoking when he pressed the machine's 'Mix' button.

Any more, for any more?

[Baloo]

My local garage advertises sausage rolls "made in Yorkshire".

Why do we need to know that?

[Baloo]

Yo Sushi!

"Sit, take, eat, pay."

Why do they think the pay bit makes this sound better?

[Barry Shitpeas]

I find silly things like Hand fried chips and Home cooked pie a bit irritating. But the one that really grates is "served over ice".

Stupid pretentious bollocks.

[Arfur Europe]

I do like my wine, but those pretentious food suggestions do my swede in.

Things like 'This Cabernet Sauvignon offers an intense, supple, velvety, and smoky experience, which perfectly accompanies couscous or free range asparagus, in a blackcurrant jus'.

I mean, ffs - really?

[life on mars]

I had chips once from Caroline Street dubbed chippy Lane chips ,bloody cheek.

Oh and nothing drizzled on em,other than saliva

[Mrs Steve R]

"Pan-fried" stuff, what else are you going to fry it in?

[Blue in the Face]

"Bespoke" can **** off

[NYCBlue]

My local garage advertises sausage rolls "made in Yorkshire".

Why do we need to know that?

Because they can put "made by wankers" on the label?

[NYCBlue]

"Steel cut", "muddled", "infused", "caramelized", "locally sourced", "aoli" "farm to table".

[lardy]

"Pan-fried" stuff, what else are you going to fry it in?

Panfried is a technique. The meat sits in the pan as it cooks, unlike stirfried where you jiggle it (tony tit in 3...2..1...).

[Majorblue]

We've all seen them and subconsciously get bombarded with them every day. I've now decided it's high time we fight back, by pointing them out to the everyday CCMB user.

So to kick off, a personal 'favourite' of mine is a wanky psuedo 'ingredient' that is allegedly put into products for our own benefit.

L Casei Immunitas is a corker of a made up ingredient, and was pumped out on Danone adverts a few years ago.

Back to the modern day, and I've just been chomping on some olives from Tesco. Very nice they are too, but on the label it says 'Haldiki Olives - lovingly blended with Slow Roasted Tomatoes'

The casual observer might opine that said olives were rolled on the thighs of Aztec virgins, as they whispered sweet nothings into their pitted exteriors, before gently caressing them into a mixture of olive oil, myriad herbs and said tomatoes.



The fact of the matter is, they almost certainly got thrashed around in a huge vat in Grimsby by an alcoholic divorced bloke, who was probably smoking when he pressed the machine's 'Mix' button.

Any more, for any more?

'Passionate' or 'we have a passion for'.

Bollocks you do ,the only thing you are passionate about is emptying my wallet.

[Mrs Steve R]

Panfried is a technique. The meat sits in the pan as it cooks, unlike stirfried where you jiggle it (tony tit in 3...2..1...).

I've heard that helps still sounds wanky in my book.

You can also 'toss' when stir-frying btw. (morning tony)

[the other bob wilson]

'Passionate' or 'we have a passion for'.

Bollocks you do ,the only thing you are passionate about is emptying my wallet.

That's the one that has me laughing out loud when I hear it - you look at a dictionary definition of the word "passionate" and then hear it being applied to the design and manufacturing of, say, butterfly nuts and you have to wonder as to the mental health of those involved .

[Jordi Culé]

When professional wankers call football clubs 'projects' and when they dress football matches to be an 'event'.

I'd guillotine everyone who was guilty of saying it.

[Ring_Peace]

"Your", as in "on this fully functioned steamer you have your temperature control and your timer which also acts as your safety switch".

That's simply your subliminal horses shit.

And don't get me started on "strictly limited".

[Jordi Culé]

The use of 'iconic' in describing a product as a pair of daps, flip flops or a pork pie.

Just **** off.

[Taunton Blue Genie]

Pseudo home-spun personalisation of factory products:
5000227507899.jpg

[itkman]

Pseudo home-spun personalisation of factory products:
5000227507899.jpg

See also "mini" versions of things. I bloody hate them, worst thing about Christmas they are.

[Taunton Blue Genie]

The term 'Designer' clothes. Even the cheapest apparel is designed by someone.

[Zenith]

When I briefly worked in the marketing departing for a company 3 years ago, I was asked to make the menus of cafes and restaurants more exciting.

The example of Ham and cheese sandwich I was given read something like "Guthrie honey roasted Neuadd Fach ham and freshly sprinkled goats cheese, served on thick wholemeal bread"

I said it just makes them sound pretentious and totally unnecessary, but for some reason all of a sudden everyone is obsessed with things that sound middle class, that actually aren't - like a ham and cheese sandwich ffs.

[J R Hartley]

When professional wankers call football clubs 'projects' and when they dress football matches to be an 'event'.

I'd guillotine everyone who was guilty of saying it.

Brendan Rodgers has to be most guilty closely followed by that wanker Malky and then Mark Warburton.

Off with their heads!!!

[J R Hartley]

When I briefly worked in the marketing departing for a company 3 years ago, I was asked to make the menus of cafes and restaurants more exciting.

The example of Ham and cheese sandwich I was given read something like "Guthrie honey roasted Neuadd Fach ham and freshly sprinkled goats cheese, served on thick wholemeal bread"

I said it just makes them sound pretentious and totally unnecessary, but for some reason all of a sudden everyone is obsessed with things that sound middle class, that actually aren't - like a ham and cheese sandwich ffs.

Sounds delicious. Where can I get this toastie?

[lardy]

'Passionate' or 'we have a passion for'.

Bollocks you do ,the only thing you are passionate about is emptying my wallet.

Yep, this is the winner.

[bobh]

I've heard that helps still sounds wanky in my book.

You can also 'toss' when stir-frying btw. (morning tony)

Now THAT really is extreme multi-tasking!