Reply With QuoteI like the last one.
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Tommy for me
Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”
Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”
Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."
Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”
Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”
Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”
Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"
Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
I like the last one.
Went out with a couple of anorexic girls the other day. Two birds, one stone.
I nearly finished my book on anger management, but then I lost it.
Bob Monkhouse - "My memory is so good, I can remember things before I was even born. For example, I remember going to a disco with my father, and coming home with my mother".
Originally Posted by Badly Ironed Shirt
Bob Monkhouse again.
" when I was in school and told me friends i as going to be a comedian they all laughed at me. They're not laughing now!"
More Bob Monkhouse- I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76, so it's no distance.
Norman Wisdom
"When you get older 3 things happen, The first thing is your memory goes.....and I can't remember the other two!"
Groucho to a woman, "I'd dance with you until the cows come home", on closer inspection, "I'll dance with the cows until you come home".
I went to the fancy dress shop this afternoon to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween, the girl who served me brought me a Swansea City shirt, I think she must've misheard me - I said I want to look like a Count.....
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity,
so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge!
I have just bought a dog from a local blacksmith.
As soon as I brought it home it made a bolt for the door.
Woody Allen - I'm damn good at sex, I've been practising daily since i was 12
The only digference between the English and the Germans is that the English think they are the master race. The Germans know they are.
My girlfriend accused me of stalking her!
Well she's not really my girlfriend!
Well, MY girlfriend says I lack commitment.
Well, I say 'girlfriend'...
Guy went to aHalloween party wearing nothing but a red ribbon tied around one of his testicles.
"I'm it!" he said "the fancy dress ball!"
I love telling dad jokes, and sometimes he even laughs.
I went to see a house the other day with period features, my wife hates it when I call her that
That is excellent
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