You never link to tracks by your favourite artists. Are you afraid of being ridiculed for liking Barry Manilow and Rick Astley?

You've also been very reticent about that old boot you picked up in the Duke of Wellington recently having weakened her resolve by plying her with double pink gins as a prelude to luring her to your grotto.

My God, I shudder to think what indignities she suffered once you laid your eager mitts upon her person. It's a cert she walked gingerly the following morning while wondering why her arse felt so sore. You really are a disreputable fellow.