Anyone ever done stand up comedy properly? Advice

[uncle bob]

Always wanted a stab at it after visiting the glee club quite regularly down the bay and thinking, "I reckon I could fo better than that" after a comedian has left the stage. Its a bit hit and miss right?
Anyway, last week an advert come up on my fb feed to be trained up to be a comedian for 8 weeks by a professional in aid of Cancer research.
The gig is on the 27th of November I believe, I'm going to learn more in the next few weeks of what it's all about and have stupidly agreed to sign up and have set a target of £300 sponsorship money.
I am currently on £230 I think.
Now being a taxi driver for the last 24 years I have many many interesting stories to tell.
So my quandary is, do I go down this route which I find is natural?

I have one pearler of a story which i think is funny, and will definitely be long enough to last for what I only presume should be about 5 minutes of stage time. Or should I go down the route of making up my own gags which I have started trying to write myself and not just googling to help me.

Obviously this day and age it's a no no stealing other comedians gags, so I'm absolutely bricking it that I'm going to balls it up in front of all my friends and family, and also the sell out audience which is going to be at the glee club on the night.
Any advice would be grateful as right now I'm thinking, oh shit, what the Hell have I done?
It's OK being funny in front of your mates but in front of a huge audience it's absolutely daunting but exhilarating the thought of finally getting a chance to do what I've always dreamed of.

[life on mars]

Always wanted a stab at it after visiting the glee club quite regularly down the bay and thinking, "I reckon I could fo better than that" after a comedian has left the stage. Its a bit hit and miss right?
Anyway, last week an advert come up on my fb feed to be trained up to be a comedian for 8 weeks by a professional in aid of Cancer research.
The gig is on the 27th of November I believe, I'm going to learn more in the next few weeks of what it's all about and have stupidly agreed to sign up and have set a target of £300 sponsorship money.
I am currently on £230 I think.
Now being a taxi driver for the last 24 years I have many many interesting stories to tell.
So my quandary is, do I go down this route which I find is natural?

I have one pearler of a story which i think is funny, and will definitely be long enough to last for what I only presume should be about 5 minutes of stage time. Or should I go down the route of making up my own gags which I have started trying to write myself and not just googling to help me.

Obviously this day and age it's a no no stealing other comedians gags, so I'm absolutely bricking it that I'm going to balls it up in front of all my friends and family, and also the sell out audience which is going to be at the glee club on the night.
Any advice would be grateful as right now I'm thinking, oh shit, what the Hell have I done?
It's OK being funny in front of your mates but in front of a huge audience it's absolutely daunting but exhilarating the thought of finally getting a chance to do what I've always dreamed of.

Just follow the Bernard Manning route, it will be plain sailing after that ..

Good luck, great cause , admire yer pluck..

[uncle bob]

One of my gags I written and you'll all be thinking ffs. Stick to the story telling. 😂😂

Is anyone here on tinder?

Well I've put my profile picture as a cigarette.
Cos I'm hoping I can get a match!

(I know shit right) 🤣🤣

But so far I've written about 10 gags but as I've never done this before my mind has gone blank.

But I know as time goes on I'll think of more and more when I just hear trigger words on the radio etc.

I'm trying to write 2 gags a day.

[uncle bob]

Selfish plug by me but if you'd like to sponsor me even a quid I'd be absolutely humbled by your generosity.
I hate these things but honestly, I am well outta my comfort zone now and I am stressing big time at what I have done.
Cancer research is a charity close to my heart having a mate who is dying with it currently and knowing lots of relatives who have had the big c and no longer with me.

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Ian-Oldfield1

Cheers for allowing this. ❤️❤️

[uncle bob]

And if the ccmb community want to help out with an original gag or two and it is genuinely original and good, I'd happily add it to my set.

[Cardiff-Cal]

I’m no stand-up but what I will say is five minutes talking is way longer than you may think, especially if you’re a little nervous and talking fast. A solid five minute set is seen as quite an achievement in the stand up world from what I’ve heard. A lot start out with the aim of trying to get a solid 2 minute set.

[mrbluejay]

I saw the ad as well and contemplated doing it.

I did a bit of stand up a few years ago and entered a National newcomers competition, Laughing Horse Comedy, previous winners have been Greg James & Rhod Gilbert. Got to the semis and had to go to Earls Court, did ok but didn’t get through. What struck me that night was how many gigs the others had already done, I’d done 8-10 and they had done over 100. It’s a great buzz when it goes well, my advice is you cannot do too much prep. Good luck
.

[uncle bob]

Cheers mate great advice

[uncle bob]

Greg James as in radio 1? But he's not funny?

[Canton Kev]

I’d say definitely don’t do a 5 minute story. Just personal preference but short and snappy is funnier imo.

Also you need to be both a good storyteller and have a good enough story to keep people interested and not thinking “skip to the punchline”.

Good luck, hope it goes well.

[uncle bob]

Definitely told the story a hundred times it involves picking up 4 blokes who were off there head on pills and taking them back to to blackwood at about 2am Only to realise the guy in the front had nicked my mobile phone when they got out.

Lots of build up to how I knew where they lived, how the next fare I had went back to blackwood from Cardiff, and me entering there house with a hammer in my hand and not finding my phone but seeing the guy who was sat in front of my taxi fast asleep on sofa and no sign of my phone.
So I did what anyone would do?
I took there PlayStation and all the games that was plugged into the TV set.
Next morning I went to work I couldn't get the car to reverse out of my drive,

My Mrs was waving goodbye to me on the doorstep.

As I looked down my phone was under the accelerator pedal which wasn't there the night before.
I picked it up and waived it at the Mrs open mouthed with my hand over my mouth.
With her screaming I better take that effing PlayStation back now! And a lot more.

[StraightOuttaCanton]

I’d say definitely don’t do a 5 minute story. Just personal preference but short and snappy is funnier imo.

Also you need to be both a good storyteller and have a good enough story to keep people interested and not thinking “skip to the punchline”.

Good luck, hope it goes well.

I’d do the 5 minute story but plan in a couple of spin off gags before you get to the punch line, if there is one that is. If your story is good enough it may not even need a punchline.

I’ll happily sponsor you but would you be willing to share a video recording of your set in return?

[uncle bob]

I'm hoping they allow me too mate. I've been to the glee in the past and no video recording equipment allowed but as I'm the one on stage I'm hoping I get a keepsake of the night obviously.

[Tuerto]

I'm hoping they allow me too mate. I've been to the glee in the past and no video recording equipment allowed but as I'm the one on stage I'm hoping I get a keepsake of the night obviously.

Why don't you do a parody of a stereotypical cab driver, but with a Cardiff twist?

[Pedro de la Rosa]

I’m no stand-up but what I will say is five minutes talking is way longer than you may think, especially if you’re a little nervous and talking fast. A solid five minute set is seen as quite an achievement in the stand up world from what I’ve heard. A lot start out with the aim of trying to get a solid 2 minute set.

Agreed, 5 minutes is a lot longer when you’re speaking. Feels like forever

[Eric the Half a Bee]

I spend ages writing jokes for a stand up gig. It was no laughing matter.

[NYCBlue]

I went to an open mic last night. Don't use a mobile phone. If you're going to tell a story, have a big ending. Be prepared for complete silence.

[StraightOuttaCanton]

I’d say definitely don’t do a 5 minute story. Just personal preference but short and snappy is funnier imo.

Also you need to be both a good storyteller and have a good enough story to keep people interested and not thinking “skip to the punchline”.

Good luck, hope it goes well.

Why not start with…. I’m a Cardiff City fan and a member of a fans messageboard… Let me tell you about some of the characters… you’d probably have enough material for 2 hours of stand up 🤣

[the other bob wilson]

I’d do the 5 minute story but plan in a couple of spin off gags before you get to the punch line, if there is one that is. If your story is good enough it may not even need a punchline.

I’ll happily sponsor you but would you be willing to share a video recording of your set in return?

I agree, the point made earlier about how long five minutes is under circumstances like this seems a good one and so it seems to make sense that if you think you have a story you can spin out for that long, then go with that with a a few of your own jokes thrown in to keep it flowing.

I should say mind that my personal experience and expertise when it comes to stand up amounts to a big, fat zero.

[mrbluejay]

Greg James as in radio 1? But he's not funny?

Greg Davies, the massive guy that does Taskmaster :hehe:

[WJ99mobile]

I listen to podcasts of comedians all day long.

They say just get up there and keep doing it even when you bomb.

A trainer will train you in the way they think is funny but might not be you. It’s like a degree in entrepreneurship.

Love Glee down the bay too it’s a brilliant venue.

[lardy]

Make sure you do research to see what audiences want, like and expect nowadays, whether it's on telly, YouTube, Netflix or live.

A lot of it is in delivery and performance, so I don't mean this to sound harsh as I've only seen it written down, but the punchline of that story probably isn't enough of a surprise to cut it on stage, even if it slays people down the pub. If you stopped people halfway through and asked them to guess the ending, I bet most would say "the phone hadn't really been stolen"

EDIT: having said that, the point of the course is to make your material good enough for performance on stage, I guess.

[lardy]

I'm hoping they allow me too mate. I've been to the glee in the past and no video recording equipment allowed but as I'm the one on stage I'm hoping I get a keepsake of the night obviously.

I had a friend who did something similar and he posted the final video on Facebook so you might be alright.

[cityhammer]

Done a few gigs, between 8 and 15 minutes in length. Great feeling, but scary before you do it. Didnt tell gags as such, just my twist on real life really, seemed more natural.

[Re-sign Carl Dale]

What an opportunity - would definitely go for a story (or two) rather than a string of gags and puns.

Is the event open to the public?

[Vindec]

Confessions of a taxi driver are likely to be far funnier than home made jokes which the writer might find amusing but the audience don't. Good luck!

[uncle bob]

What an opportunity - would definitely go for a story (or two) rather than a string of gags and puns.

Is the event open to the public?

Try this anyone that's interested.

https://facebook.com/events/s/virtual-registration-meeting/1330849237415338/

[Sunnysideup]

I was best man at wedding and had to give a speech infront of 400 guests
I was bricking it for weeks but it went ever so well
Guests coming up to me at the bar afterwards congratulating me
My advice would be one main story with a great punchline - everyone was weak with laughter and a few spin off shorter stories that tie into the main joke
I also started by bringing a duffel bag from under the table from which I brought out props and placed them infront of me after showing each one to the room
The props had everyone guessing plus they all meant something to each story which helps you keep your train of thought

Good luck Bob

[UNDERHILL1927]

I think the taxi driver stories will be a winner. People like comedy they can relate to and that’s a good start.

[Bozza64]

I have done it a few times, pick out someone in the audience and pounce on them when they move or do anything, do it a few times and then say i forgot where i was with that story now always wastes time that

[Rock_Flock_of_Five]

I have done it a few times, pick out someone in the audience and pounce on them when they move or do anything, do it a few times and then say i forgot where i was with that story now always wastes time that

I'm wondering why you'd feel the need to do that?

Surely the aim would be to try and get everything to run as smoothly as possible? :shrug::biggrin:

[William Treseder]

If you are a Taxi driver, then you could tell the audience you use your indicators. They’ll be putty in your hands after they stop laughing at that one 👍

[SLUDGE FACTORY]

Bill Hicks ?

[uncle bob]

What an opportunity - would definitely go for a story (or two) rather than a string of gags and puns.

Is the event open to the public?


If you are a Taxi driver, then you could tell the audience you use your indicators. They’ll be putty in your hands after they stop laughing at that one 👍

Haha. Joke en joke. Like it

[lardy]

I was best man at wedding and had to give a speech infront of 400 guests
I was bricking it for weeks but it went ever so well
Guests coming up to me at the bar afterwards congratulating me
My advice would be one main story with a great punchline - everyone was weak with laughter and a few spin off shorter stories that tie into the main joke
I also started by bringing a duffel bag from under the table from which I brought out props and placed them infront of me after showing each one to the room
The props had everyone guessing plus they all meant something to each story which helps you keep your train of thought

Good luck Bob

Although at a wedding everyone is behind you and wants you to do well. Not always the case in a stand up show!

[uncle bob]

Cheers lads for sponsorship. I am truly truly humbled by that.
And some great advice on this thread as well
Cheers xx

[WJ99mobile]

I'm wondering why you'd feel the need to do that?

Surely the aim would be to try and get everything to run as smoothly as possible? :shrug::biggrin:

Being too polished sometimes doesn't work.

Doing the above makes it seem like it's not rehearsed and you're the first people to hear it - can work or you can make yourself look a dick

[tforturton]

Write it out on paper - at least the important bits. Look at opportunities to add funny quips occasionally. Then do the whole thing 'live' in your living room, and time it. See if it works. Make sure it flows along. Get someone else to listen and maybe give feedback. What is funny to you may not be funny to anyone else. It has to end on a laugh, so make sure it does.

[Tuerto]

Cheers lads for sponsorship. I am truly truly humbled by that.
And some great advice on this thread as well
Cheers xx

Pick on the audience-' Did i have you in my cab once?' I recognise the smell...

[Wales-Bales]

Although at a wedding everyone is behind you and wants you to do well. Not always the case in a stand up show!I thought that only happened in pantomimes?

[ToTaL ITK]

Don't do it unless you have balls of steel or the confidence of Tyson fury buying a coffee at Greggs.
It's the hardest thing ever.

[splott parker]

You could buy a bit of time during the taxi driver story. Stop talking for 15/20 seconds mid flow (will seem like an age but it obviously isn’t), resume the story with a ‘Whoops, sorry about that, old habits die hard, I thought you were on the meter’.

[cityhammer]

Introduce yourself as a taxi driver, explain you're a bit nervous, and then turn your back on the audience and take a mirror out of your pocket. Then talking to the mirror, say, thats better, i feel at home now.

[Lither_1927]

A 5 minute story is too long i think. Good luck

[J R Hartley]

Introduce yourself as a taxi driver, explain you're a bit nervous, and then turn your back on the audience and take a mirror out of your pocket. Then talking to the mirror, say, thats better, i feel at home now.

Good grief

[uncle bob]

Introduce yourself as a taxi driver, explain you're a bit nervous, and then turn your back on the audience and take a mirror out of your pocket. Then talking to the mirror, say, thats better, i feel at home now.

😭😭🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Classic!

[uncle bob]

I start my training tonight for 8 weeks. Gig is on 27th November.
I'm bricking it now.
I've been writing some shit gags building up to this.

[Taunton Blue Genie]

I start my training tonight for 8 weeks. Gig is on 27th November.
I'm bricking it now.
I've been writing some shit gags building up to this.

You are very brave. I have always wondered about people even getting to the point of considering a first gig. Any stories as to how any of you got to that juncture?

[uncle bob]

Training was pretty basic tonight. Just introducing ourselves and a quick story of who our favourite comedians are and one simple joke.
My memory is so so bad. I've written about 20 jokes to fill in about 5 minutes of stage time but I couldn't get through telling just one without me stuttering and quivering in front of 25 people who were all in my shoes.
Some who were there were like me had never done it before and others were doing it for the umpteenth time.
I realised tonight karaoke confidence is completely different to telling a joke in front of total strangers or to your mates.
It can only get better with practice

[Taunton Blue Genie]

Training was pretty basic tonight. Just introducing ourselves and a quick story of who our favourite comedians are and one simple joke.
My memory is so so bad. I've written about 20 jokes to fill in about 5 minutes of stage time but I couldn't get through telling just one without me stuttering and quivering in front of 25 people who were all in my shoes.
Some who were there were like me had never done it before and others were doing it for the umpteenth time.
I realised tonight karaoke confidence is completely different to telling a joke in front of total strangers or to your mates.
It can only get better with practice

Keep us informed as it's an interesting story.

In the meantime, what made you interested in getting from telling jokes with your mates to trying it onstage. I'm really interested as it's a huge leap.

[cityhammer]

Training was pretty basic tonight. Just introducing ourselves and a quick story of who our favourite comedians are and one simple joke.
My memory is so so bad. I've written about 20 jokes to fill in about 5 minutes of stage time but I couldn't get through telling just one without me stuttering and quivering in front of 25 people who were all in my shoes.
Some who were there were like me had never done it before and others were doing it for the umpteenth time.
I realised tonight karaoke confidence is completely different to telling a joke in front of total strangers or to your mates.
It can only get better with practice

I can empathise with your final sentence. I've got up at open mic nights and played guitar, but however bad you are if everyone knows the song they'll sing along. Its completely different standing on stage telling a gag you've written and trying to make people laugh. Scariest thing Ive done in my life, but im pleased i had a go.

[Jimmy the Jock]

Having read Kevin Hart and Kevin Bridges books , the one thing they had in common is they put in 100,s and 100,s of hours getting slaughtered on stage ,people not laughing .
Good luck Bob its a long road , but they will tell you worth it now :hehe:

[light up the darkness]

This is advice about being a stand up comedian from Rhod Gilbert. I’ve tried to remember exactly what was said to share .

It may be useful. !

Comedians have different styles. What works for Tim Vine is completely different from what works for Dara OBrain.
My guess would be that your humour would come from being the ‘bloke in a bar’ . Taxi drivers must have a load of funny stories about the passengers or places.

This style involves you telling a story as if you were chatting to a bloke in a bar over a beer.
Relaxed, you only have to remember the key points and the punch line. But you have to practice the timing of your delivery.
First get the key points of the story/stories down in writing. Some comedians use a white board or flip charts Then tell the story to yourself in a mirror. Practice the movement and gestures which underlines the points which keep your story on the track towards your punch line. Hands, body language, gestures, eye movements all contribute to getting the audience engaged and interested

When you think you have ironed out the presentation you can try it for real on friends and or family and seek honest feedback. It’s not about whether or not they think what you are saying is funny to them but rhythm and timing of how you present it. Practice practice practice

That’s all I can remember but I wish you well. You’ll sort it out for your self as you go along.

[the other bob wilson]

Training was pretty basic tonight. Just introducing ourselves and a quick story of who our favourite comedians are and one simple joke.
My memory is so so bad. I've written about 20 jokes to fill in about 5 minutes of stage time but I couldn't get through telling just one without me stuttering and quivering in front of 25 people who were all in my shoes.
Some who were there were like me had never done it before and others were doing it for the umpteenth time.
I realised tonight karaoke confidence is completely different to telling a joke in front of total strangers or to your mates.
It can only get better with practice

Best of luck with it bob - something I could never do, so you have my admiration :thumbup:

[light up the darkness]

This is a story I did to an expat comedy night in Ho Chi Minh. A mixed crowd of English, American and Australian mainly.

So… I’m standing at the lights on xxxx street waiting for the smallest gap in the traffic to allow me the opportunity of being run over by a mad local on a motorcycle .

I’m looking around and catch the eye of a guy who owns the shop on the corner.
I look into the shop and all the shelves are bare. It’s empty.

So I said to him ‘Alright mate. Business must be good ‘ gesturing to the shop.

‘No. Business is crap’ he said
‘You’re joking your shops empty. What do you sell ?

He said ‘Shelves’

[uncle bob]

Cheers for the advice all and for the good wishes.
There will be a video being given to us of our nights performance so I will share it when it becomes available.
The gig is in prism on Greyfriars Road on 27th November a Sunday and I'm going to just practice practice practice when I can. Cheers

[delmbox]

Cheers for the advice all and for the good wishes.
There will be a video being given to us of our nights performance so I will share it when it becomes available.
The gig is in prism on Greyfriars Road on 27th November a Sunday and I'm going to just practice practice practice when I can. Cheers

You've got a set of balls on you mate, I couldn't do it. Good luck!

[Splott-light...]

good luck uncle bob, I wouldn't know but it seems like something you'll grow into, the more stage hours the more confident you'll become

[Majorblue]

Never done stand up but I do have to do public speaking as part of my job.

As others have said 5 minutes is a long time to talk with no one to feed off.

Best advice I can give is do your prep and practise it on a family member first ,to get the delivery sorted.

On the night remember to control the speed of your delivery and if you have a prop , such as a microphone, then use it ,as for reasons unknown they do seem to have a calming effect.

Always but always have a few put downs tucked away in order to deal with hecklers, drunks and idiots.

Good luck.



Good luck.

[Jimmy the Jock]

This is a story I did to an expat comedy night in Ho Chi Minh. A mixed crowd of English, American and Australian mainly.

So… I’m standing at the lights on xxxx street waiting for the smallest gap in the traffic to allow me the opportunity of being run over by a mad local on a motorcycle .

I’m looking around and catch the eye of a guy who owns the shop on the corner.
I look into the shop and all the shelves are bare. It’s empty.

So I said to him ‘Alright mate. Business must be good ‘ gesturing to the shop.

‘No. Business is crap’ he said
‘You’re joking your shops empty. What do you sell ?

He said ‘Shelves’

Did anyone laugh?

[Jimmy the Jock]

Cheers for the advice all and for the good wishes.
There will be a video being given to us of our nights performance so I will share it when it becomes available.
The gig is in prism on Greyfriars Road on 27th November a Sunday and I'm going to just practice practice practice when I can. Cheers

I am fairly sure Colonel Gaddafi used to be a stand up comedian , might be worth giving him a shout .

[delmbox]

Did anyone laugh?

I quite liked it :hehe:

[Rjk]

I am fairly sure Colonel Gaddafi used to be a stand up comedian , might be worth giving him a shout .

He died in 2011

[Rjk]

I quite liked it :hehe:

Yes I thought it was great

[Jimmy the Jock]

He died in 2011

Really?

I know he hasnt posted on here for a while.

Ah hang on Cardaffi ....

[uncle bob]

I am really struggling with this comedy gig I've volunteered to do for charity.
For those that know me well I'm usually a pretty confident type of person in general. But after week 3 of training, I am starting to doubt I can do this I am really finding it difficult to get up and present my 5 mins worth of material without getting all flustered and just not able to remember anything I've wrote.
My mind is just going completely blank when I get up in front of people and then I'm just stuttering and going into a sweat.

I believe it has now started effecting my day to day living so much so that my anxiety levels and blood pressure readings have hit an all time high.
So much so that it's on red on the machine saying seek immediate medical help.

I won't be dropping out as this should be a dream come true for me. But I just don't think I'll be able to function properly on the night and will balls it all up spectacularly in front of all my family and friends.
It's only 5 minutes I have to do but I've never experienced pressure like this it's absolutely mental torture.
Anyway, that's week 3 update.

Fingers crossed I don't have a clutcher before the gig. ❤️❤️🤞😂😂

[Vindec]

I am really struggling with this comedy gig I've volunteered to do for charity.
For those that know me well I'm usually a pretty confident type of person in general. But after week 3 of training, I am starting to doubt I can do this I am really finding it difficult to get up and present my 5 mins worth of material without getting all flustered and just not able to remember anything I've wrote.
My mind is just going completely blank when I get up in front of people and then I'm just stuttering and going into a sweat.

I believe it has now started effecting my day to day living so much so that my anxiety levels and blood pressure readings have hit an all time high.
So much so that it's on red on the machine saying seek immediate medical help.

I won't be dropping out as this should be a dream come true for me. But I just don't think I'll be able to function properly on the night and will balls it all up spectacularly in front of all my family and friends.
It's only 5 minutes I have to do but I've never experienced pressure like this it's absolutely mental torture.
Anyway, that's week 3 update.

Fingers crossed I don't have a clutcher before the gig. ❤️❤️🤞😂😂

If you are worried about losing your lines you could always try this:

"Fornication". Get your notes out of your pocket and say "Apologies. For an occasion" Then keep your notes for the remaining 4 minutes.

[William Treseder]

Here’s an opening joke for you Bob.
Pete the serial flasher, is thinking of retiring, but he’s decided to stick it out for another year!

[blue lewj]

I am really struggling with this comedy gig I've volunteered to do for charity.
For those that know me well I'm usually a pretty confident type of person in general. But after week 3 of training, I am starting to doubt I can do this I am really finding it difficult to get up and present my 5 mins worth of material without getting all flustered and just not able to remember anything I've wrote.
My mind is just going completely blank when I get up in front of people and then I'm just stuttering and going into a sweat.

I believe it has now started effecting my day to day living so much so that my anxiety levels and blood pressure readings have hit an all time high.
So much so that it's on red on the machine saying seek immediate medical help.

I won't be dropping out as this should be a dream come true for me. But I just don't think I'll be able to function properly on the night and will balls it all up spectacularly in front of all my family and friends.
It's only 5 minutes I have to do but I've never experienced pressure like this it's absolutely mental torture.
Anyway, that's week 3 update.

Fingers crossed I don't have a clutcher before the gig. ❤️❤️������

Why don't you put some notes on your hand/watch/sellotaped to the stage.

Even take a few props in a bag. Put the subjects ona list inside the bag. Simple props along the line of Tommy Cooper like 'one liner' etc. If it keeps you on track if you're forgetting it then well worth thinking about and can pad out the act too.

[Whisperer]

You won’t see better stand up comedy than what was served up at QPR last night, I was in tears for most of it.

[North Cardiff Blue]

Starmers gag yesterday wasn't bad for him, gone by Christmas, although it could have been gone by tomorrow!

[Sunnysideup]

Here’s one for you Uncle Bob….
Fancied fish and chips for my tea so popped down the local chippy
I said to the fella “ Hey mate that fish is still alive!!!”
He says no it’s definitely dead what makes you say that?
“Cos it’s eaten half my chips”

[Rock_Flock_of_Five]

Here’s an opening joke for you Bob.
Pete the serial flasher, is thinking of retiring, but he’s decided to stick it out for another year!

I gave a slight chuckle to this yesterday.
Early hours of Friday morning, drinking copious amounts of beer in a bar, I almost spat my beer out with laughter!

[Vindec]

Just say you are a Cardiff City supporter. That should get a few laughs and possibly an introduction to some football jokes.

[Vindec]

Did you hear the joke about the footballer who spent some of his money on booze women and fast cars? The rest he squandered.

[splott parker]

Did you hear the joke about the footballer who spent some of his money on booze women and fast cars? The rest he squandered.

Is that the Best you can come up with:-)

[William Treseder]

What about the paranoid scrum half.
Every time there was a scrum, he thought they were talking about him!!

[Vindec]

Is that the Best you can come up with:-)

Nice one. George Best's autobiography was a great read.

[uncle bob]

Wrote a few myself. They are pretty bad but at least they are mine and not stolen which is what they want us to do.

I'm thinking of starting up my own business making snooker Cues.
Anyone got any tips?

Dont ever do a sleepover with the band the fuegees.
Everytime I nodded off they'd each take it in turns putting a pillow over my face.
They were trying to kill me softly.

So this Indian guy I know, when he goes to bed
he sleeps on this big bag of rice.
It makes a lovely pillau.

[uncle bob]

Robbie williams was once asked which one he preferred, Birds Custard or Angel Delight?
I think I'll let you be the judge of that?

[Fatty Foggon]

And there's more. Uncle Bob, you could always fall back on a letter from me mammy a la Jimmy Cricket if you dry up.

[lincoln blue]

I am really struggling with this comedy gig I've volunteered to do for charity.
For those that know me well I'm usually a pretty confident type of person in general. But after week 3 of training, I am starting to doubt I can do this I am really finding it difficult to get up and present my 5 mins worth of material without getting all flustered and just not able to remember anything I've wrote.
My mind is just going completely blank when I get up in front of people and then I'm just stuttering and going into a sweat.

I believe it has now started effecting my day to day living so much so that my anxiety levels and blood pressure readings have hit an all time high.
So much so that it's on red on the machine saying seek immediate medical help.

I won't be dropping out as this should be a dream come true for me. But I just don't think I'll be able to function properly on the night and will balls it all up spectacularly in front of all my family and friends.
It's only 5 minutes I have to do but I've never experienced pressure like this it's absolutely mental torture.
Anyway, that's week 3 update.

Fingers crossed I don't have a clutcher before the gig. ❤️❤️🤞😂😂

Try and catch "This Morning" on the ITV HUB, either yesterday (Thurs 20th) or the day before, Sara Pascoe (comedienne) was on and was explaining some of the things your worried about as she's starting to tour again after 5 years off having had her first child. I'm sure there'll be things she talks about that'll be very useful too you.
Good luck!

[Vindec]

Wrote a few myself. They are pretty bad but at least they are mine and not stolen which is what they want us to do.

I'm thinking of starting up my own business making snooker Cues.
Anyone got any tips?



Sorry I haven't a cue.

[uncle bob]

OK I'll chalk you off for any advice

[uncle bob]

Comedy training night week 6.

Update. ** Absolutely buzzing this morning after somehow remembering my jokes last night and performing my little set in front of the other guys who are doing the course with me.

Yesterday morning I got to admit the stress of doing this gig was driving me insane.
If so many people I know hadn't bought tickets and also sponsored me I'd have just withdrawn from it as it was taking over my life every second I was awake.
I've never ever felt so much pressure to do something that I have got in my mindset I just couldn't do anymore.
My memory is knackered.

And then I met My mrs for dinner yesterday afternoon and it suddenly came to me after trying all day to remember my lines.

It lifted my spirit and my confidence.

At the training itself I felt more and more confident as the night went on and then it was my turn to do my 4 minute set.
It was far from perfect, it was probably even crap, but I'm now confident I can do this as I remembered my script without looking at my book and actually suprised myself.

Today I've been practicing all morning to myself in my taxi, and I'm almost nailing remembering every single joke I've written myself.
I am on cloud nine today and if I keep practicing like I am I will pull this off and not make an ass of myself.
This is actually the first day since signing up that I am really looking forward to doing this gig instead of dreading that I had signed up to do it.
I can't wait.
😛😛😛❤️❤️❤️❤️

[splott parker]

:thumbup:Good luck, great that it’s coming together.

[valleys caveman]

Good luck UB.

[Rock_Flock_of_Five]

I think one of the reasons this has been such a popular thread, is the way in which you have managed to convey your emotions in all of this (the self-doubt in particular). Most of us can empathise, as at some point in our lives we would have experienced similar feelings to a lesser or greater degree, obviously not related to being a stand-up comedian, but... job interview, that first date and what to say, etc.

Anyway, good luck! :thumbup:

[StraightOuttaCanton]

Selfish plug by me but if you'd like to sponsor me even a quid I'd be absolutely humbled by your generosity.
I hate these things but honestly, I am well outta my comfort zone now and I am stressing big time at what I have done.
Cancer research is a charity close to my heart having a mate who is dying with it currently and knowing lots of relatives who have had the big c and no longer with me.

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Ian-Oldfield1

Cheers for allowing this. ❤️❤️

Bumping your just giving link. Good luck

[Taffster]

I think one of the reasons this has been such a popular thread, is the way in which you have managed to convey your emotions in all of this (the self-doubt in particular). Most of us can empathise, as at some point in our lives we would have experienced similar feelings to a lesser or greater degree, obviously not related to being a stand-up comedian, but... job interview, that first date and what to say, etc.

Anyway, good luck! :thumbup:


This ⬆️

Good luck tonight.

[uncle bob]

Cheers guys. Not posted much as I've been so depressed leading up to this week.
All of a sudden, I've had a little taste of success down at the Glee club 2 weeks ago whereby I shouted out to a comedian something on stage which got a big round of applause from the crowd, then he asked me my name and what I did.
Instead of saying I'm a taxi driver, I told him I was in training for 8 weeks to do what he was doing on stage.
He asked what type of comedy so when I said jokes I'd been writing he gave me the mic in my seat at the front of the stage.
I told 3 jokes and had lots of laughs.
It was a full house in there so got a big round of applause which I recorded on my phone.
I managed to get a recording of me telling a joke and the whole crowd going nuts. It was the biggest buzz of my life so far.
But remembering the stuff I found impossible until this week whereby I've found a formula whereby I write down just one trigger word from each joke I've written and I'm now getting more and more confident everyday.
I practice every half hour in my taxi when nobody's in my car and I'm parked up.
It's slowly coming together.
Not in a million years would I have said that I'd get to this point just a few days ago.

[uncle bob]

Done my gig tonight. I'm pleased to say it all went really well.
As promised by me after a few on here sponsored me for cancer research he is my video of my 4 minutes of fame.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10162852134984408&id=785829407

[blue lewj]

Done my gig tonight. I'm pleased to say it all went really well.
As promised by me after a few on here sponsored me for cancer research he is my video of my 4 minutes of fame.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10162852134984408&id=785829407

Great that.

Takes some balls to even get up there but they wanted more which says it all.

[Alan Lung]

****ing brilliant mate, nice one.

[Citizen's Nephew]

Comedy training night week 6.

Update. ** Absolutely buzzing this morning after somehow remembering my jokes last night and performing my little set in front of the other guys who are doing the course with me.

Yesterday morning I got to admit the stress of doing this gig was driving me insane.
If so many people I know hadn't bought tickets and also sponsored me I'd have just withdrawn from it as it was taking over my life every second I was awake.
I've never ever felt so much pressure to do something that I have got in my mindset I just couldn't do anymore.
My memory is knackered.

And then I met My mrs for dinner yesterday afternoon and it suddenly came to me after trying all day to remember my lines.

It lifted my spirit and my confidence.

At the training itself I felt more and more confident as the night went on and then it was my turn to do my 4 minute set.
It was far from perfect, it was probably even crap, but I'm now confident I can do this as I remembered my script without looking at my book and actually suprised myself.

Today I've been practicing all morning to myself in my taxi, and I'm almost nailing remembering every single joke I've written myself.
I am on cloud nine today and if I keep practicing like I am I will pull this off and not make an ass of myself.
This is actually the first day since signing up that I am really looking forward to doing this gig instead of dreading that I had signed up to do it.
I can't wait.
😛😛😛❤️❤️❤️❤️

Well done mate. It's great reading your story and thanks for sharing. I'm so glad it's coming together for you. You've my utmost admiration. Glad the training went well and good luck.

I'm looking forward to the next instalment. :thumbup:

[The Bloop]

Brilliant - really enjoyed that.

That reaction to you telling jokes at the Glee must have given a hell of a boost.

[the other bob wilson]

Done my gig tonight. I'm pleased to say it all went really well.
As promised by me after a few on here sponsored me for cancer research he is my video of my 4 minutes of fame.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10162852134984408&id=785829407

Superb stuff, you really have my admiration. Made me laugh a few times as well and, more important, the audience certainly seemed impressed :thumbup:

[Taffster]

Great effort.

Enjoyed watching that.

Well done on the achievement and for sharing your story and experience.

[uncle bob]

Sad news now. I actually didn't know on the morning of gig but woke up with blood coming out my ear and screaming with puss.
Shivering cold all day at the gig and I was supposed to be the very last act on but I asked if I could go on first as I felt so weak.

Anyway I'm up the heath hospital now for at least 7 days as I have meningitis and sepsis on my brain. I am absolutely feeling terrible.

Thanks for the donations everyone. Love the bobster

[UNDERHILL1927]

Done my gig tonight. I'm pleased to say it all went really well.
As promised by me after a few on here sponsored me for cancer research he is my video of my 4 minutes of fame.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10162852134984408&id=785829407

Well done mate. Should be proud for overcoming your nerves and self doubt

[UNDERHILL1927]

Sad news now. I actually didn't know on the morning of gig but woke up with blood coming out my ear and screaming with puss.
Shivering cold all day at the gig and I was supposed to be the very last act on but I asked if I could go on first as I felt so weak.

Anyway I'm up the heath hospital now for at least 7 days as I have meningitis and sepsis on my brain. I am absolutely feeling terrible.

Thanks for the donations everyone. Love the bobster

Fck mate. Get better soon

[neilw65]

Sad news now. I actually didn't know on the morning of gig but woke up with blood coming out my ear and screaming with puss.
Shivering cold all day at the gig and I was supposed to be the very last act on but I asked if I could go on first as I felt so weak.

Anyway I'm up the heath hospital now for at least 7 days as I have meningitis and sepsis on my brain. I am absolutely feeling terrible.

Thanks for the donations everyone. Love the bobster

Brilliant on the stand up and get well soon

[splott parker]

Sad news now. I actually didn't know on the morning of gig but woke up with blood coming out my ear and screaming with puss.
Shivering cold all day at the gig and I was supposed to be the very last act on but I asked if I could go on first as I felt so weak.

Anyway I'm up the heath hospital now for at least 7 days as I have meningitis and sepsis on my brain. I am absolutely feeling terrible.

Thanks for the donations everyone. Love the bobster

Dear God, that’s dreadful news, the ‘bottle’ you’ve shown in preparing and doing the gig has been admirable and I trust it’ll get you through this as well. Keep fighting :thumbup:

[Citizen's Nephew]

Bloody hell mate. Get well soon. All the best.

[uncle bob]

Thank you Dan and Tuerto for your kind donations I am very humbled that people that don't know me would even consider donating money to someone they don't know. Also the rest of the lads on here I am truly humbled laying here on my deathbed reading how much I raised from just a few of you on ccmb. I have been on here in the days of the modem startup to load a page with names like Victor!! And send in tank, jeepers, I've always stuck with the same name uncle bob even though my name is actually Ian. Xxxx

[Tuerto]

Thank you Dan and Tuerto for your kind donations I am very humbled that people that don't know me would even consider donating money to someone they don't know. Also the rest of the lads on here I am truly humbled laying here on my deathbed reading how much I raised from just a few of you on ccmb. I have been on here in the days of the modem startup to load a page with names like Victor!! And send in tank, jeepers, I've always stuck with the same name uncle bob even though my name is actually Ian. Xxxx

Welcome Mate, not much considering what you have been through and what you're going through now. I really do admire people who are prepared to put themselves out of their comfort zone and show up. Takes bottle. Well done :thumbup:

[uncle bob]

Still, I'm hospital it's 2.27am just woken up with a steroid shot in my arm. I'm getting more conscious now and with it but unsteady on my feet and there could be a chance the meningitis I caught has caused my good ear that didn't burst to be attacked by the meningitis and become permanently damaged, I can't hear a thing out of it and the one that is damaged every one sounds like they are talking in my head x 1.5 speed it's messed up man

[Citizen's Nephew]

Still, I'm hospital it's 2.27am just woken up with a steroid shot in my arm. I'm getting more conscious now and with it but unsteady on my feet and there could be a chance the meningitis I caught has caused my good ear that didn't burst to be attacked by the meningitis and become permanently damaged, I can't hear a thing out of it and the one that is damaged every one sounds like they are talking in my head x 1.5 speed it's messed up man

This sucks man. So sorry to hear this. Being stuck in hospital in the middle of the night and worried and scared is a horrible experience and I really do empathise mate. Stay strong buddy. Healing takes time.

[UNDERHILL1927]

Keep fighting mate, not sure where you live but if you’re in the Heath I’m only around the corner should you need anything

[olderblue]

Still, I'm hospital it's 2.27am just woken up with a steroid shot in my arm. I'm getting more conscious now and with it but unsteady on my feet and there could be a chance the meningitis I caught has caused my good ear that didn't burst to be attacked by the meningitis and become permanently damaged, I can't hear a thing out of it and the one that is damaged every one sounds like they are talking in my head x 1.5 speed it's messed up man

Keep battling on, hope you have a speedy recovery 👍

[Michael Morris]

Still, I'm hospital it's 2.27am just woken up with a steroid shot in my arm. I'm getting more conscious now and with it but unsteady on my feet and there could be a chance the meningitis I caught has caused my good ear that didn't burst to be attacked by the meningitis and become permanently damaged, I can't hear a thing out of it and the one that is damaged every one sounds like they are talking in my head x 1.5 speed it's messed up man


Keep battling on, hope you have a speedy recovery 👍

Seconded. Get well soon

[Robin Friday's Ghost]

Sad news now. I actually didn't know on the morning of gig but woke up with blood coming out my ear and screaming with puss.
Shivering cold all day at the gig and I was supposed to be the very last act on but I asked if I could go on first as I felt so weak.

Anyway I'm up the heath hospital now for at least 7 days as I have meningitis and sepsis on my brain. I am absolutely feeling terrible.

Thanks for the donations everyone. Love the bobster

Jeez. Very best wishes for a full and quick recovery.

[uncle bob]

Had a wonderful little video just now arranged by one of my mates who does the kit.
Sean morrison just sent me a lovely little short video, which wouldn't mean a thing to him but has made my day sat in my hospital bed.
Little things like that cost nothing but mean so much to people.
What a man. Thank you Sean morrison. ❤️❤️❤️
Really give me a big boost that

[UNDERHILL1927]

Had a wonderful little video just now arranged by one of my mates who does the kit.
Sean morrison just sent me a lovely little short video, which wouldn't mean a thing to him but has made my day sat in my hospital bed.
Little things like that cost nothing but mean so much to people.
What a man. Thank you Sean morrison. ❤️❤️❤️
Really give me a big boost that

Good to hear from you mate

[the other bob wilson]

Had a wonderful little video just now arranged by one of my mates who does the kit.
Sean morrison just sent me a lovely little short video, which wouldn't mean a thing to him but has made my day sat in my hospital bed.
Little things like that cost nothing but mean so much to people.
What a man. Thank you Sean morrison. ❤️❤️❤️
Really give me a big boost that

A great gesture by Sean Morrison - only became aware of your problem just now and pleased to see you’re improving slowly.

Get well soon. :thumbup:

[uncle bob]

Cheers everyone. I'm off the super steroids now just the strong Antibiotics.
Worry about my hearing in next few weeks.
I'm getting there

[Des Parrot]

Kin’hell Bob (aka Ian) best wishes on a complete recovery, take it easy & keep the staff entertained, a new audience for you.

[welshyoot]

Cheers everyone. I'm off the super steroids now just the strong Antibiotics.
Worry about my hearing in next few weeks.
I'm getting there

Glad to hear you're getting better bob... Hope you make a full and swift recovery and get back to your stand up. :thumbup:

[uncle bob]

Bit of a backwards step again today.
I'm back on the steroids and full of Blisters in my mouth, lips.
Been up all night with severe headache and neck aches.
In now for the week.

[splott parker]

Bit of a backwards step again today.
I'm back on the steroids and full of Blisters in my mouth, lips.
Been up all night with severe headache and neck aches.
In now for the week.

Surely, “I’m here all week”..........sorry I couldn’t resist. All the best, keep battling:thumbup:

[mrbluejay]

Get well soon mate.

[uncle bob]

I've finally got out of hospital and I'm at home.
It's going to be a bit of a drawn out process learning to get my balance back again it could take weeks it could take months.

I'm just so lucky to be alive i'm not worried that I'm completely deaf in one ear

[splott parker]

I've finally got out of hospital and I'm at home.
It's going to be a bit of a drawn out process learning to get my balance back again it could take weeks it could take months.

I'm just so lucky to be alive i'm not worried that I'm completely deaf in one ear

Any gigs coming up in the near future Bob?:getscoat::hehe: glad to here you’re out mate.............Bradley Walsh is apparently shitting himself.:thumbup:

[Des Parrot]

I've finally got out of hospital and I'm at home.
It's going to be a bit of a drawn out process learning to get my balance back again it could take weeks it could take months.

I'm just so lucky to be alive i'm not worried that I'm completely deaf in one ear

Great to hear. Take it steady.

[olderblue]

Glad to see you're on the mend and home for Christmas

[uncle bob]

Great to hear. Take it steady.

It's alright for some I suppose

[uncle bob]

Cheers all for your kind thoughts.
If I hadn't have gone in when I did I was told I wouldn't have seen the next morning as the meningitis had set in and caused sepsis around my brain.
I am so so lucky to be here right now

[Des Parrot]

It's alright for some I suppose

Oh sh,t mate it didn’t register, apologies.

[uncle bob]

Oh sh,t mate it didn’t register, apologies.

😂😂😂😂
I genuinely thought it was a good joke you made.