Over to you :)
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Over to you :)
A tub of margarine fell on my foot two weeks ago.
I can’t believe it’s not better
Just met an Indian karaoke singer, Gerrupta SinghQuote:
Originally Posted by light up the darkness
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore he keeps getting attacked by the ducks.
That’s what you get for buying a pure bread dog
What do the donkeys at Barry Island have for lunch? Half an hour, same as the ones at Porthcawl.
I know lots of puns about the unemployed. Unfortunately none of them work.
I'm reading a book, 'The History Of Glue". Can't put it down.
I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win.
No pun in 10 did.
My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel.
She’s a dominatwix.
A Japanese guy went to a Stevie Wonder concert and kept shouting to Stevie to "Play a jazz chord". Stevie played numerous jazz chords but still the Japanese guy shouted "Play a jazz chord"
Stevie got so fed up with this guy he got a couple of his roadies to lift him up on the stage, gave him a microphone and said, "Now show me what you mean".
The Japanese guy cleared his throat and started to sing, "A jazz chord to say I love you, a jazz chord to say how much I care"..........
Clever 😂 going to love this threadQuote:
Originally Posted by Eric the Half a Bee
I had an Indian takeaway last night and tried one of the house specials. It was a Chicken Tarka. A bit like a Chicken Tikka, but a little otter.
I spilled some superglue into the bath, but my wife used the bath before I could remove it.
You can imagine the result - disaster.
What’s a kangaroot? ..... A Scotsman locked in the toilet and he kangaroot.
I heard something this morning that really made me open my eyes. My alarm clock.
The library has no books on suicide, no bugger brings them back.
I used to be dyslexic but I'm ko now thank dog.
Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?
That ones so old, Bristow isn't even alive any more :hehe:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rjk
Doctor I feel like I’m a snooker ball.....Get to the end of the cue!
Bloody Tory government managing this virus.
I knew it would end in tiers.
My wife left me yesterday. She said i was too arrogant.
I said, can you bring some milk and bread with you when you come back!
My wife and daughter said they would leave me because they reckon I'm obsessed with horse racing. Just looked out of the window - and they're off.
A woman in the pub at the weekend asked my for an example of a double entendre, so I gave her one!
Heard through an hotel room door in the USA, "No no Martha, blow's only an expression!"
I was out with a mate today and I said "lovely day, isn't it?" and he said "yeah, absolutely", so then we got an ice-cream and I said "nice ice-cream" and he said "yeah it is," and then we went for a walk in the churchyard and I said "nice little churchyard" and he said "no, it's not". So then we went for a drive and I said "this is a nice car" and he said "yeah it is", then we put on some music and I said "I like this song, do you?" and he said "yeah, I do", then we stopped and had a look around a cathedral and I said "what an amazing building" and he said "no it's not". So then we flew to Rome and I said "this is a nice flight" and he said "yeah it is", then we walked around the city and I said "what amazing history" and he said "yeah, you're right", then we went off to the Vatican and I said "what an incredible place" and he said "no it's not". I said "why do you say that?" and he said "I disagree on religious grounds".
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots eat ‘em all.
I prefer this versionQuote:
Originally Posted by splott parker
Why don't the army have painkillers?
Because the paras et em all
Why do Norway’s naval ships have bar codes ?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian
My mate creosoted my porch recently against my wishes...I've told him to never darken my doors again
Why did the baker have brown hands?
..cos he kneaded a poo..
I can't drink 5 gallons of diesel............................................ ... Jerry can.
When I was a child my dad used to put me inside tyres and roll me down the hill.
They were good years..
Where I work there were two brothers until a few years ago. Their parents named them William and Jeremy Cann i.e. Billy and Gerry can.Quote:
Originally Posted by Vindec
Oh, and I was up in Shropshire a few weeks ago and I came across estate agent boards which made me wonder what the owner's parents were thinking when they registered his name in full.Attachment 4109
With 2nd lockdown looming, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.