Originally Posted by
Organ Morgan.
Visited Sludge's lair yesterday morning when he answered the door in his familiar attire of khaki shorts that stopped midway between his knees and feet, a once white vest which appeared to have gained some new unknown food stains and, most objectionable of all, a Liverpool FC facemask. Although it was preferable to the one he wore last time which bore the Conservative Party logo on it. When I told him so, he lowered the Liverpool one to uncover the Tory rag beneath it, then he slipped it down to reveal a smirk.
He's only available during specified time slots on weekdays. He won't answer the door to anyone other than his probation officer between 6am-7am, 9am-10am and 1.30pm-3.30pm. The first is for his breakfast time tug in honour of GMTV's Susannah Reid, then he unzips for a mid-morning tug when lusting over Scottish bint Lorraine Kelly and his early afternoon tug is dedicated to whomever catches his eye on the Loose Women show. Afterwards he runs a tap over a flannel to flatten then rest on his forehead when lying on the settee to help him recover from his exertions as Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits CD is set to play.
His username at a notorious dogging forum is The Old Spunker under which he posts messages that are singularly crude, vulgar or obscene in nature, and very often all three. It's where he tries to lure female members to his den with the promise of a free pizza and an eggnog as payment for allowing him to conduct an intimate examination of their person with the handle end of a bicycle pump.
I saw an opportunity to take the you know what out of him and he took the bait better than I could have hoped.
"Sludge," I said, "being highly educated you have likely heard of a Pacific territory called Onanist Island." He was evidently flattered as I had never implied he is brainy before. "Of course I have," he lied with an air of confidence as no such place exists. "Then," I continued, "you may also know male islanders there are renowned and prodigious tuggers who have a typical life expectancy of 100 years while the women usually conk out before they reach 70. You told me you also have a challenging evening tugging itinerary and I must say I admire your stamina."
He proudly inflated and pushed forward his chest on hearing that. "Thank you," replied The Old Spunker, adding, "I don't wish to appear boastful but I really do believe I'm this town's most prolific Tommy Tanker; the champion tugger." Whereupon he lowered his masks to display a self-satisfied grin.
"Yes, I'm unsurprised," I opined before delivering the coup de grass. "I've maintained for many years to anyone prepared to listen that you are undoubtedly the biggest wanker in Cowbridge."
He begun to nod his approval of those remarks before pausing to think.
