O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

Before I start pleas believe me I really am at my wits end and genuinely dont know what to do or who to turn to. My Wife and I are elderly, Im 73 wife is 77 been married for 53 years. I am as sharp as a button mentally but am disabled due to an inability to walk more than a few steps due to 4 unsuccessful hip operations. The last couple of years My Mrs has been having memory problems etc which have been getting rapidly worse to the extent of becoming extremely dangerous and violent. We sleep in separate rooms due to my disability and the last six months due to my disability we now live in a beautiful Purpose built disabled bungalow. To give you an instance of what is going on today I heard a crash and asked her what was going on and she had thrown an alarm clock against the wall and smashed it to bits, I asked her why she had done it and she said there was no dialling tone on it!! Other instances have been she lighting fires in ashtrays and watches it. She has stabbed me (accidently) a couple of times. She has become increasingly violent and just goes around grunting out loud every waking minute and just cries all day long.
I have tried to gently tried to persuade her to talk to somebody about it and she goes mad at me and says I am trying to get her put away (Not true) I just want her to get help. She was assigned a Social worker a few months ago who was a lovely woman about 30ish, until one day she accused her of having an affair with me so obviously she couldnt help her any more. A few months ago the Doctor came to see me and I told him about the Mrs, guess what happened, he said he couldnt do anything unless my Mrs contacted him for help and said he couldnt help me with the problem. For the last few months I have just stayed in my bedroom just for peace and quiet if I venture out my World becomes a War Zone and I have got to the point where I am not going to be able to go on much longer, I am extremely depressed as you can probably tell but I havnt got enough bravery to finish it all but I go to bed every night hoping I wont wake up in the morning. Who the hell can I turn to, the Doctor doesnt want to know. Any suggestion would be gratefully recieved. Im desperate.
Thank for at lleast reading this.

Please contact these good people:

https://www.samaritans.org/wales/branches/cardiff/

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Originally Posted by Mad as a fish

Before I start pleas believe me I really am at my wits end and genuinely dont know what to do or who to turn to. My Wife and I are elderly, Im 73 wife is 77 been married for 53 years. I am as sharp as a button mentally but am disabled due to an inability to walk more than a few steps due to 4 unsuccessful hip operations. The last couple of years My Mrs has been having memory problems etc which have been getting rapidly worse to the extent of becoming extremely dangerous and violent. We sleep in separate rooms due to my disability and the last six months due to my disability we now live in a beautiful Purpose built disabled bungalow. To give you an instance of what is going on today I heard a crash and asked her what was going on and she had thrown an alarm clock against the wall and smashed it to bits, I asked her why she had done it and she said there was no dialling tone on it!! Other instances have been she lighting fires in ashtrays and watches it. She has stabbed me (accidently) a couple of times. She has become increasingly violent and just goes around grunting out loud every waking minute and just cries all day long.
I have tried to gently tried to persuade her to talk to somebody about it and she goes mad at me and says I am trying to get her put away (Not true) I just want her to get help. She was assigned a Social worker a few months ago who was a lovely woman about 30ish, until one day she accused her of having an affair with me so obviously she couldnt help her any more. A few months ago the Doctor came to see me and I told him about the Mrs, guess what happened, he said he couldnt do anything unless my Mrs contacted him for help and said he couldnt help me with the problem. For the last few months I have just stayed in my bedroom just for peace and quiet if I venture out my World becomes a War Zone and I have got to the point where I am not going to be able to go on much longer, I am extremely depressed as you can probably tell but I havnt got enough bravery to finish it all but I go to bed every night hoping I wont wake up in the morning. Who the hell can I turn to, the Doctor doesnt want to know. Any suggestion would be gratefully recieved. Im desperate.
Thank for at lleast reading this.

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Sorry it's not much help but have you tried contacting and speaking to mental health organisations or charities?

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-...ds-and-family/

Ah Mate.

I really wish that I could offer something more than just my best wishes.

I’m open to reading and conversing with you if it might help.

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Originally Posted by life on mars

Please contact these good people:

https://www.samaritans.org/wales/branches/cardiff/

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I agree that is an excellent idea. I have never used them but they must have heard this sort of story before and shouls know where you can get help

It is likely she needs reassessment from the mental health team.
Has she a CPN? She also must have a consultant, if so speak to their secretary to make an appointment.
Also if she is getting more confused, then she may have a delirium possibility due to a urine infection.

But in the 1st instance she needs a review, especially if she is or not on any anti psychotics such as risperidone or halopeladol to name but 2.

oh man that sounds like a nightmare.
it sounds like you need some kind of professional help, hopefully someone will have a mode specific suggestion.

The Doctor should be doing more than that.....if someone becomes a danger to oneself or those around them they should intervene.

Good morning MAAF, I"m really sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time at the moment, of what you say it sounds like your wife is suffering from some sort of dementia, I would suggest calling (Dementia UK - 0800 888 6678) they offer support to carers and i'm sure they will signpost you and your wife to some sort of specialist support.
Good luck MAAF I wish you well mate.

No advice I can offer but best wishes and hopefully someone will be able to help you.

It is definitely worth talking to the samaritans and dementia uk.

Do you have any family you can ask for help too?

I really sympathise with your problem because a relative of mine was in a very similar situation with his wife.
The problem was diagnosed as vascular dementia so I'm very surprised that your doctor didn't attempt some sort of diagnosis.

Really sorry to hear what you and your wife are going through. As others have suggested, it's really important you get some professional help, and really well done for reaching out because it's not an easy thing to do.

I showed your post to my wife who is a psychiatric and social care professional and these were her suggestions so I'm just going to write them out from her notes.

Email or copy your post with a short explanatory note i.e. you're too exhausted to compile a new letter and need access to help fast. Make sure you say that there is a duty of care and if you feel able, say that you feel your wife may be a danger to herself and/or others (it's not easy but it may be the best thing to do).

Post/email/phone:

Phone Social Services (in your location - ask for The Duty Social Worker and follow up with an email containing a copy of your post).
You should get a Social Worker for yourself and they will be able to assist and take on all of these tasks.
Phone CMHT (in your location) follow up with an email containing a copy of your post.
Phone Age Cymru 0300 3034498
Phone the Alzheimer's Society 0333 1503456 (Whisperer has already kindly given the phone number of Dementia UK)
Call Citizens Advice 0808 2787925 and arrange for an advocate if one is needed for you and/or your wife.
Pobl 01633 679911 (based in Newport but cover much wider areas - go to the older persons page/section on their website - they can be very helpful regarding mobility issues and home care).

If you visit the above websites there are also many other ways to contact them as well as more detailed information.

Finally and most importantly send a copy of your post to your GP straight away as having something in writing is a very powerful way of ensuring there will be a considered and more successful response. Your GP has a duty of care to you and can arrange to see your wife too.

If possible, print out and send a hard copy of all your emails to everyone suggested.

There are many people out there who can and will help and support. It's important you communicate just how difficult things have become for you and don't be afraid of being frank and honest like you've been here. I know it's difficult but don't be timid when communicating with service providers, try and be as assertive as can. Your situation is an emergency.

All the very best.

Thanks for getting back to me mate, She just refuses to see anyone at all, so no Consultant no nothing Im afraid

Thanks to all that have replied. Im not having a very good day at all today so I will read all of your mails and digest them, To be perfectly honest I feel beaten and think I will just probably call it a day soon.

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Originally Posted by Mad as a fish

Thanks to all that have replied. Im not having a very good day at all today so I will read all of your mails and digest them, To be perfectly honest I feel beaten and think I will just probably call it a day soon.

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Don't call it a day, things will definitely improve, reaching out for help is the first part and you've done that.

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Originally Posted by Mad as a fish

Thanks for getting back to me mate, She just refuses to see anyone at all, so no Consultant no nothing Im afraid

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Some good advice here but you won't be able to help your wife, who you patently love to bits, if you are unable to function yourself.

I would suggest seeing a doctor about yourself first about your own mental health challenges about the problems you are facing. It may be in working through these issues with your doctor that you can work on some kind of intervention plan for your wife as well when they see what effect it is having on you.

Good luck. It took a lot of strength to bare your feelings on this.

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Originally Posted by cyril evans awaydays

Some good advice here but you won't be able to help your wife, who you patently love to bits, if you are unable to function yourself.

I would suggest seeing a doctor about yourself first about your own mental health challenges about the problems you are facing. It may be in working through these issues with your doctor that you can work on some kind of intervention plan for your wife as well when they see what effect it is having on you.

Good luck. It took a lot of strength to bare your feelings on this.

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This seems like excellent advice to me.

Sorry to hear this mate, the advice already provided seems a good start and hope you work your way through it.

On a side note, when we are allowed back in the stadium, let me know if you would ever like to go to a game, I can pick you up and it might be nice to get out the house for a bit and watch some live football :thumbup:

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Originally Posted by cyril evans awaydays

Some good advice here but you won't be able to help your wife, who you patently love to bits, if you are unable to function yourself.

I would suggest seeing a doctor about yourself first about your own mental health challenges about the problems you are facing. It may be in working through these issues with your doctor that you can work on some kind of intervention plan for your wife as well when they see what effect it is having on you.

Good luck. It took a lot of strength to bare your feelings on this.

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Yes, this is very excellent and important advice. You must see your GP and you must insist on getting a social worker for yourself too.

Just read your thread starter maaf there is some great advice in this thread stay strong Bluebird I hope you and your wife get the help you BOTH need.

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Originally Posted by Citizen's Nephew

Really sorry to hear what you and your wife are going through. As others have suggested, it's really important you get some professional help, and really well done for reaching out because it's not an easy thing to do.

I showed your post to my wife who is a psychiatric and social care professional and these were her suggestions so I'm just going to write them out from her notes.

Email or copy your post with a short explanatory note i.e. you're too exhausted to compile a new letter and need access to help fast. Make sure you say that there is a duty of care and if you feel able, say that you feel your wife may be a danger to herself and/or others (it's not easy but it may be the best thing to do).

Post/email/phone:

Phone Social Services (in your location - ask for The Duty Social Worker and follow up with an email containing a copy of your post).
You should get a Social Worker for yourself and they will be able to assist and take on all of these tasks.
Phone CMHT (in your location) follow up with an email containing a copy of your post.
Phone Age Cymru 0300 3034498
Phone the Alzheimer's Society 0333 1503456 (Whisperer has already kindly given the phone number of Dementia UK)
Call Citizens Advice 0808 2787925 and arrange for an advocate if one is needed for you and/or your wife.
Pobl 01633 679911 (based in Newport but cover much wider areas - go to the older persons page/section on their website - they can be very helpful regarding mobility issues and home care).

If you visit the above websites there are also many other ways to contact them as well as more detailed information.

Finally and most importantly send a copy of your post to your GP straight away as having something in writing is a very powerful way of ensuring there will be a considered and more successful response. Your GP has a duty of care to you and can arrange to see your wife too.

If possible, print out and send a hard copy of all your emails to everyone suggested.

There are many people out there who can and will help and support. It's important you communicate just how difficult things have become for you and don't be afraid of being frank and honest like you've been here. I know it's difficult but don't be timid when communicating with service providers, try and be as assertive as can. Your situation is an emergency.

All the very best.

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A great response that says it all.My wife too has worked with the elderly and says the same thing and in her experience age concern is a good place to start.You need to consider this though,rather saying to the authorities help me with my wife say I have a problem and I can't look after my wife and follow it up with emails(get names of every one you speak to).My mrs has also said the the social services a failing you big time but you need to become a pest to them as she assures me its the people that shout the loudest and most often get seen to first.

I hope you and your wife get the help your entitled to.

Mart

Some fantastic advice given to you here by fellow bluebirds

Your wife is clearly suffering from either a dementia type illness such as vascular dementia , my mother has this ......or she has alzheimers , a form of dementia ........she could possibly have delirium.......or she has recurring urine infections

You are clearly under a great deal of stress and your wife needs to be seen by an experienced mental health professional

She is a danger to herself and to you

Phone the Llanfair unit at Llandough hospital in Cardiff if you are in Cardiff and the Vale of Glamorgan

These people are the experts in elderly mental health . They are headed by a team of psychiatrists who will send out a team of nurses to assess your wife , report back to the doctors and a diagnosis will be formed and a treatment plan made which may include medication and a ct scan to see if your wife has dementia

Phone them NOW

They will advise you . A referral usually has to come from a GP but sometimes they act very quickly if you contact them yourself. You must say you are frightened , anxious , depressed and are having very frightening thoughts . This is beyond the help of a GP .

My mother was seen by the older person's mental health team last March and was given a diagnosis of severe anxiety , delirium and vascular dementia .

Phone them now , I will find the number for you

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Originally Posted by Armitage Shanks

It is likely she needs reassessment from the mental health team.
Has she a CPN? She also must have a consultant, if so speak to their secretary to make an appointment.
Also if she is getting more confused, then she may have a delirium possibility due to a urine infection.

But in the 1st instance she needs a review, especially if she is or not on any anti psychotics such as risperidone or halopeladol to name but 2.

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spot on

Contact mental health services for older people , Llanfair unit , Llandough

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Originally Posted by Mad as a fish

Thanks for getting back to me mate, She just refuses to see anyone at all, so no Consultant no nothing Im afraid

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if she refuses to see anyone at all and she's a danger she's probably going to have to be taken to hospital to be assessed and they can legally do this as you are clearly both at risk

Try mental health services for older people Llandough 02921 862 6700

If you are not in Cardiff and the Vale let me know and I will get the number for your area . You are doing the right thing asking for help but you must act NOW .

Everyone is with you mate , I have been there with my father and mother who exhibits the same behaviour as your dear wife

Take care bluebird

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Originally Posted by sneggyblubird

A great response that says it all.My wife too has worked with the elderly and says the same thing and in her experience age concern is a good place to start.You need to consider this though,rather saying to the authorities help me with my wife say I have a problem and I can't look after my wife and follow it up with emails(get names of every one you speak to).My mrs has also said the the social services a failing you big time but you need to become a pest to them as she assures me its the people that shout the loudest and most often get seen to first.

I hope you and your wife get the help your entitled to.

Mart

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100 percent spot on

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Originally Posted by Citizen's Nephew

Yes, this is very excellent and important advice. You must see your GP and you must insist on getting a social worker for yourself too.

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gp , social work intake and assessment team , older persons mental health team , your advice is spot on

OK. I have been thinking about this on my walk this morning. I have a lot of experience with the kind of problems you are experiencing with several members of my family. From my own experience don't let this go. All of the authorities will assume the problem has gone away if you don't badger them continuously.

If I was in your shoes I would do the following:

1. You have to sort yourself out first. Visit your GP, tell him/her how you feel and if necessary get some medication like Diazapan to calm you down and help you to think more clearly.

2. Speak to Social Services and tell them the problem and how it is affecting you. Say you cannot keep caring for your wife as you are at your wits end.

3. Follow up the conversation with a letter to Social Services and copy it to your GP, your local Councillor, your MP, local health authority and your AM. Make sure the letter makes it absolutely clear the people who you are copying the letter to. Say something like " I am copying this letter to etc''...............It is then a matter of record that you are in need of help and if anything were to happen one of them will know they have to do something. At least one of them will set the ball rolling as they know they will be culpable if anything were to happen.

Taking these steps got my mother in law and sister in Whitchurch Hospital and my mother a care package from Social Services. They are well able to handle awkward customers such as your wife who seems to be suffering from an aggressive form of dimentia. If you have no savings so much the better because in the early stages all I was given was a list of care providers you have to pay for.

Try and take the first step today. Procrastinating until you feel helpless is not the way to go but I strongly advise you to start off by sorting yourself out first.

this is excellent advice , a short course of diazepam to calm you down and get a plan of action for the next few days

If you are suffering from depression and anxiety a decent gp will just give you diazepam for a couple of days then try some counselling and , or , anti depressants

Its so important you act now , not tomorrow , now

You will gain a sense of control

Dementia is an awful illness to witness but there are people out there who can help your wife and you

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Originally Posted by chris lee

Sorry to hear this mate, the advice already provided seems a good start and hope you work your way through it.

On a side note, when we are allowed back in the stadium, let me know if you would ever like to go to a game, I can pick you up and it might be nice to get out the house for a bit and watch some live football :thumbup:

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That's a lovely gesture! There are still plenty of good people in this world. :thumbup:

I cant offer any more help or advice that has already been covered on the thread. The responses have been excellent.

Your own physical and mental health is equally as important as your wife's, and by sharing on here is the first step in addressing the situation. I wish you well.

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Originally Posted by SLUDGE FACTORY

Some fantastic advice given to you here by fellow bluebirds

Your wife is clearly suffering from either a dementia type illness such as vascular dementia , my mother has this ......or she has alzheimers , a form of dementia ........she could possibly have delirium.......or she has recurring urine infections

You are clearly under a great deal of stress and your wife needs to be seen by an experienced mental health professional

She is a danger to herself and to you

Phone the Llanfair unit at Llandough hospital in Cardiff if you are in Cardiff and the Vale of Glamorgan

These people are the experts in elderly mental health . They are headed by a team of psychiatrists who will send out a team of nurses to assess your wife , report back to the doctors and a diagnosis will be formed and a treatment plan made which may include medication and a ct scan to see if your wife has dementia

Phone them NOW

They will advise you . A referral usually has to come from a GP but sometimes they act very quickly if you contact them yourself. You must say you are frightened , anxious , depressed and are having very frightening thoughts . This is beyond the help of a GP .

My mother was seen by the older person's mental health team last March and was given a diagnosis of severe anxiety , delirium and vascular dementia .

Phone them now , I will find the number for you

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Listen to Sludge. He is very knowledgeable in this sort of area and has given me good advice (in the case of physical disability rather than mental health, but the advice still holds) in the past

There's clearly people much more knowledgable than me replying so I haven't got much to add other than to second reach out to professionals and don't downplay to them how serious the problem is for yourself or your wife, and make sure you get the help you need for your mental health as well. You can't be expected to help her when you're clearly struggling yourself.

All the best to you mate, feel free to PM any time

Sludge. Thanks my friend, I live in the Abergavenny area. (Lifelong Fisherman as well)

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Originally Posted by chris lee

Sorry to hear this mate, the advice already provided seems a good start and hope you work your way through it.

On a side note, when we are allowed back in the stadium, let me know if you would ever like to go to a game, I can pick you up and it might be nice to get out the house for a bit and watch some live football :thumbup:

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Chris, What a lovely offer, Wife and I were Season ticket holders for 10 years until My hip ops. I would love to take you up on your offer sometime when things get better. Thanks again my friend.

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Originally Posted by Citizen's Nephew

Yes, this is very excellent and important advice. You must see your GP and you must insist on getting a social worker for yourself too.

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This.....all the way

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Originally Posted by Rock_Flock_of_Five

That's a lovely gesture! There are still plenty of good people in this world. :thumbup:

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Thats amazing 👏

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Originally Posted by Mad as a fish

Sludge. Thanks my friend, I live in the Abergavenny area. (Lifelong Fisherman as well)

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Great fishing in the canal

Whats the health board ?

Are your services still based at neville Hall or have they moved to cwmbran ?

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Originally Posted by SLUDGE FACTORY

Great fishing in the canal

Whats the health board ?

Are your services still based at neville Hall or have they moved to cwmbran ?

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Older Adults Mental Health Duty Desk

Maindiff Court

01873 735513

Tell them how unwell your wife is and how unwell you feel

Don't let them fobb you off to your GP

If they say you need a referral from the GP phone the GP and tell them if he or she won't do it , you will

Good luck bluebird

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Originally Posted by SLUDGE FACTORY

Great fishing in the canal

Whats the health board ?

Are your services still based at neville Hall or have they moved to cwmbran ?

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Nevill hall I imagine sludge.

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Originally Posted by Mad as a fish

Nevill hall I imagine sludge.

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Maindiff Court is what you want

Psychiatric emergency duty desk for older people

01873 735513

Open 9 to 5

They will help you bluebird