Len Artichoke - stories found

Just looking through some old discs for an old file and came across these. 10 years ago now!

Pogo Stick Quandary Part 2
Len Artichoke 30.3.06, at 3:50 p.m.

Previously on Pogo Stick Quandary

100 rottweillers will die on the streets of San Fransisco if Michael Douglas doesn't fulfil his after dinner speaking obligation at the Rottweiller society. Trouble is, he's in the Cardiff Mombasa Pogo Stick Marathon and he's hot favourite. Oh no Uncle Len...

PART 2

Is there a greater site than a bunch of celebs giving it their all on pogo sticks? Well I've yet to see it. Me, Kanye West's attorney and Darth Vader's twin brothers, Colin and Roy were watching in awe as Michael Douglas bounced round the corner of Church Street into St Mary's Street, a look of steely determination on his face.

The Dalai Lama followed closely behind, his ceremonial robes blowing in a stiff south westerly. The race had already had its casualties and we hadn't even reached Bute Street yet. Paula Radcliffe had a pee at the side of the road then decided to withdraw. Ellen McArthur made a decent start tucking in behind Ross Kemp and Lorraine Kelly then started crying and fell off looking forlornly at her compass.

I couldn't help thinking, well McArthur, you didn't have to enter, no one forced you.

The lives of 100 rottweillers lay in my chaffed hands and this massive responsibility snapped the lads out of their reverie.

'What's the route?' I whined nasally like Kenneth Williams in his pomp.
'Oooh matron' replied Colin Vader.

'Shut up Colin' snapped Roy Vader. 'Now', said Roy suddenly producing a big map of the route and board to hang it on. 'We're here, the participants are here and this is the planned route. The racers will head down Bute Street, get on to the link road, head into Penarth, onto the beach and bounce through the Bristol channel, across south west England, across the English Channel, through France and Spain before crossing the straits of Gibraltar at Algeceiras, surfacing at Tangiers. Now the hard bit...'

Roy outlined the difficulties the racers faced bouncing through the Sahara Desert and the various civil wars before reaching Mombasa.

With all the mastery I could muster, I took charge. I looked closely at the map and noted that it was made in Borneo. 'Right as I see it, the most treacherous part will be Penarth Beach, those pebbles are huge and not conducive to optimum pogo stick manoeuvres. The Vader Boys will taunt Douglas about some of the turkeys he's been in to distract him. Might also be worth mentioning the overt sexual tension between Antonio Bandorkney and Catherine Bleater Jones in The Curse of Zorro's Spanner II This time it's pwoisonal.

Meanwhile, me and Kanye West's attorney will be on hand with a sack to put over his head when he inevitably topples in the heat of defending himself and knocks himself out on one of Penarth Beaches notorious rocks.

'It's crazy but it might just work' a voice to our left said. It was George Peppard.

'You're meant to be dead'

The stalwart of the A Team shrugged, bit on his cigar and gave us a winning grin.

Suitably inspired, we set off for Penarth Beach, Colin Vader tailing Douglas in the rear, a long held ambition.
The wind howled, the rain lashed down like god's power shower and tears flooded my eyes. We checked on Eurosport and Douglas was streets ahead. It was a tragedy to stop the plucky actor at this stage, only 3 continents from victory, a full 3 minutes ahead of Lama and 10 minutes ahead of Andrew Marr.

I toyed with letting him go, but no, Fank my legless beagle would never forgive me and I had a tenner on Lama at 14/1.

'Ok, let's go' I shouted above the terrible gale, 'Vader Boys, do your best, slaughter his films, disturb him about his young bride...'

It worked a treat. The Vader Boys picked out Basic Instinct for particular scorn.

'Oi Douglas, Basic Instinct was rubbish' yelled Colin Vader'

'Yeah, if it wasn't for Sharon Stone flashing her 'don't ask' it would have gone straight to dvd' followed Roy Vader.

The so called screen hard man went puce and howled in protest. He fixed his gaze on the Vader twins not realising a difficult stone of another variety was looming large in his path. He hit it about half way up and the seaweed clad stone did its job as he fell to his left. It all seemed to happen in slow motion as the mega star came a cropper in the wind and rain, a thousand dreams shattered and only it took one film...

Me and Kanye West's attorney were straight in with the sack and bundled the ageing actor into our Piaggio Ape and sped off to the City Arms in time for his speech.

In fact as we bundled him through the bar door, the MC announced 'And now, our star speaker, Mr Michael Jugglers.'

A rousing round of applause followed and 100 random rottweillers could breath easy again on the streets of San Francisco.

Final result in the Cardiff Mombasa Pogo Stick Marathon

1. The Dalai Lama
2. BBC news reader Darren Jordan
3. Lee van Cleef

No animals were hurt in the writing of this story.

****

It was just after I was awarded the purple heart for the invasion of Barnstaple that Prince popped over the weekend.

Imagine my surprise when the diminutive fella pops up at my place with 10 bensons and a bag of fun size pasties. The last time he was over he threw a massive strop cos he hadn't realised the Dusty Forge was closed for good and I must confess old Uncle Len thought that was the last I'd ever see of him.

Anyway, in he flounces with his Bargain Booze carrier bag of goodies and asks where Fank, my deceased legless beagle was. I told him slowly and carefully about how Dido had murdered the wee lad with a skiffle version of White Flag at his 18th birthday party. Prince listened closely, nodding slowly. His empathy was overwhelming as another tedious, moaning, self-indulgent 'superstar' had murdered his chickens. Alanis Morrisette had come uninvited to a celebrity darts match organised by the fading midget and leapt up on stage to push De Niro out of the way to do the meat draw herself.

Instead of doing the meat draw (Diaz later won the pork, Stipe walked off with the beef), she launched into some dirge about thanking India. It was too much for the chickens and they literally keeled over. In a scene rivalling a Brian Rix farce, the turgid Canadian was chased through Prince's drum. To get into the spirit, Prince's trousers fell down but he kept up a decent pace.

She got away.

Prince wiped a tear away and snapped out of his reverie.

'So, who's the dog in the John, Len?' he drawled while pulling on his pastie.

'What? There's no one here but you, me, Dorothy Parker, Estee Lauder, Laura Ashley, Fourbuoys, Idi Amin, Father Finton Stack, the Dalai Lama and national treasure Dame Judi Dench.'

Prince, quizzically raised an eyebrow. With that, I raced into the bathroom to be met with so much steam I couldn't even see my statue of Dick Emery.

It cleared enough to make out a figure of a small dog lacking legs towelling himself in his inimitable manner.

'Fank, is that really you?'

'Woof.'

Prince padded through the steam and said, 'It was just a dream Len, just a dream.'

With that he was gone, up the Leather Bottle probably.

Morrisette had murdered my chickens, thought Prince as he headed to the Bottle.

Or had she?

Debbie McGee is 32.

Absolutely potty