Phillip Schofield just approached me in the multi-storey in town and asked where the nearest toilet was.
I said, "Phillip, wee by any car“
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Phillip Schofield just approached me in the multi-storey in town and asked where the nearest toilet was.
I said, "Phillip, wee by any car“
Man walks into a fishmonger carrying a goldfish.
"Do you do fishcakes?" he asks?
"Yes" replies the fishmonger
"Good" says the man "it's his birthday".
What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
“I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep.
it’s called Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia!”
What do donkeys have for lunch in Blackpool
About 1/2 an hour
“Crime in multi-storey car parks."
"That is wrong on so many different levels."
I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas...
It's rubbish...
Everything is either underground or overground!
I invested my life savings in a perfume factory.
It just seemed to make scents.
Man absolutely hated his wife’s cat.
Determined to get rid of it One day he put the cat in the car drove 5 miles, threw the cat out and drove home.
When he got home the cat was eating some food.
Very annoyed, the next day the guy put the cat back in the car drove 10 miles threw the cat out and drove home.
When he got home the cat was sitting in his favourite chair.
Furious the next day he put the cat back in the car determined to lose the cat once and for all he drove 100 miles, threw the cat out.
Later that evening his wife answers the phone and it’s the husband. He asks “is the cat there?”
The wife says “yes he is. Why do you ask?
Husband “can you put him the phone please I’m lost and need directions”
I went to the zoo and there was a baguette in a cage.
I asked the keeper what it was doing there
He said it was bread in captivity
My wife holds grudges over the smallest things
She asked me to pass her the lip balm and by accident I gave her the super glue
It’s been weeks and she’s still not speaking to me
Jose Usual Self Descruct
Inherited good squad "Harry Kane ,Son and Hugo Lloris all supplement by some good players , now , same players few signings 😂
BOOM BOOM
I recently found out my Grandfather was addicted to viagra ...
The family are all upset but no one is taking it harder then my Grandmother
recently found out my Grandfather was addicted to viagra ...
The family are all upset but no one is taking it harder then my Grandmother
:hehe:Quote:
Originally Posted by light up the darkness
Johnny wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." (true)
And he hands Johnny a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Mary, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Mary stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says.. And in they go.
Johnny is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Johnny decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Mary. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and does her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mum. "She's got a great body," Johnny thinks.
So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and does her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mum is pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Johnny remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts, "I'll do the ****in dishes!!"