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Thread: The official dreadful pun thread

  1. #1

    The official dreadful pun thread

    Over to you :)

  2. #2

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    A tub of margarine fell on my foot two weeks ago.

    I can’t believe it’s not better

  3. #3

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    Quote Originally Posted by light up the darkness View Post
    A tub of margarine fell on my foot two weeks ago.

    I canít believe itís not better
    Just met an Indian karaoke singer, Gerrupta Singh

  4. #4

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    I can’t take my dog to the park anymore he keeps getting attacked by the ducks.

    That’s what you get for buying a pure bread dog

  5. #5

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    What do the donkeys at Barry Island have for lunch? Half an hour, same as the ones at Porthcawl.

  6. #6

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    I know lots of puns about the unemployed. Unfortunately none of them work.

  7. #7

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    I'm reading a book, 'The History Of Glue". Can't put it down.

  8. #8

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win.

    No pun in 10 did.

  9. #9

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel.

    She’s a dominatwix.

  10. #10

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    A Japanese guy went to a Stevie Wonder concert and kept shouting to Stevie to "Play a jazz chord". Stevie played numerous jazz chords but still the Japanese guy shouted "Play a jazz chord"

    Stevie got so fed up with this guy he got a couple of his roadies to lift him up on the stage, gave him a microphone and said, "Now show me what you mean".

    The Japanese guy cleared his throat and started to sing, "A jazz chord to say I love you, a jazz chord to say how much I care"..........

  11. #11

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Eric the Half a Bee View Post
    I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win.

    No pun in 10 did.
    Clever 😂 going to love this thread

  12. #12

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    I had an Indian takeaway last night and tried one of the house specials. It was a Chicken Tarka. A bit like a Chicken Tikka, but a little otter.

  13. #13

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    I spilled some superglue into the bath, but my wife used the bath before I could remove it.
    You can imagine the result - disaster.

  14. #14

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    What’s a kangaroot? ..... A Scotsman locked in the toilet and he kangaroot.

  15. #15

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    I heard something this morning that really made me open my eyes. My alarm clock.

  16. #16

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    The library has no books on suicide, no bugger brings them back.

  17. #17

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    I used to be dyslexic but I'm ko now thank dog.

  18. #18

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?

  19. #19

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Rjk View Post
    Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?
    That ones so old, Bristow isn't even alive any more

  20. #20

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    Doctor I feel like I’m a snooker ball.....Get to the end of the cue!

  21. #21

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    Bloody Tory government managing this virus.

    I knew it would end in tiers.

  22. #22

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    My wife left me yesterday. She said i was too arrogant.
    I said, can you bring some milk and bread with you when you come back!

  23. #23

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    My wife and daughter said they would leave me because they reckon I'm obsessed with horse racing. Just looked out of the window - and they're off.

  24. #24
    International
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Baku, Azerbaijan
    Posts
    8,951

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    A woman in the pub at the weekend asked my for an example of a double entendre, so I gave her one!

  25. #25
    International
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Baku, Azerbaijan
    Posts
    8,951

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    Heard through an hotel room door in the USA, "No no Martha, blow's only an expression!"

  26. #26

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    I was out with a mate today and I said "lovely day, isn't it?" and he said "yeah, absolutely", so then we got an ice-cream and I said "nice ice-cream" and he said "yeah it is," and then we went for a walk in the churchyard and I said "nice little churchyard" and he said "no, it's not". So then we went for a drive and I said "this is a nice car" and he said "yeah it is", then we put on some music and I said "I like this song, do you?" and he said "yeah, I do", then we stopped and had a look around a cathedral and I said "what an amazing building" and he said "no it's not". So then we flew to Rome and I said "this is a nice flight" and he said "yeah it is", then we walked around the city and I said "what amazing history" and he said "yeah, you're right", then we went off to the Vatican and I said "what an incredible place" and he said "no it's not". I said "why do you say that?" and he said "I disagree on religious grounds".

  27. #27

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots eat ‘em all.

  28. #28

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    Quote Originally Posted by splott parker View Post
    Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots eat ‘em all.
    I prefer this version
    Why don't the army have painkillers?
    Because the paras et em all

  29. #29

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    Why do Norway’s naval ships have bar codes ?

    So when they return to port they can Scandinavian

  30. #30

    Re: The official dreadful pun thread

    My mate creosoted my porch recently against my wishes...I've told him to never darken my doors again

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