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Thread: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

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  1. #1

    O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Before I start pleas believe me I really am at my wits end and genuinely dont know what to do or who to turn to. My Wife and I are elderly, Im 73 wife is 77 been married for 53 years. I am as sharp as a button mentally but am disabled due to an inability to walk more than a few steps due to 4 unsuccessful hip operations. The last couple of years My Mrs has been having memory problems etc which have been getting rapidly worse to the extent of becoming extremely dangerous and violent. We sleep in separate rooms due to my disability and the last six months due to my disability we now live in a beautiful Purpose built disabled bungalow. To give you an instance of what is going on today I heard a crash and asked her what was going on and she had thrown an alarm clock against the wall and smashed it to bits, I asked her why she had done it and she said there was no dialling tone on it!! Other instances have been she lighting fires in ashtrays and watches it. She has stabbed me (accidently) a couple of times. She has become increasingly violent and just goes around grunting out loud every waking minute and just cries all day long.
    I have tried to gently tried to persuade her to talk to somebody about it and she goes mad at me and says I am trying to get her put away (Not true) I just want her to get help. She was assigned a Social worker a few months ago who was a lovely woman about 30ish, until one day she accused her of having an affair with me so obviously she couldnt help her any more. A few months ago the Doctor came to see me and I told him about the Mrs, guess what happened, he said he couldnt do anything unless my Mrs contacted him for help and said he couldnt help me with the problem. For the last few months I have just stayed in my bedroom just for peace and quiet if I venture out my World becomes a War Zone and I have got to the point where I am not going to be able to go on much longer, I am extremely depressed as you can probably tell but I havnt got enough bravery to finish it all but I go to bed every night hoping I wont wake up in the morning. Who the hell can I turn to, the Doctor doesnt want to know. Any suggestion would be gratefully recieved. Im desperate.
    Thank for at lleast reading this.

  2. #2

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Please contact these good people:

    https://www.samaritans.org/wales/branches/cardiff/

  3. #3

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Quote Originally Posted by life on mars View Post
    Please contact these good people:

    https://www.samaritans.org/wales/branches/cardiff/
    I agree that is an excellent idea. I have never used them but they must have heard this sort of story before and shouls know where you can get help

  4. #4

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    It is likely she needs reassessment from the mental health team.
    Has she a CPN? She also must have a consultant, if so speak to their secretary to make an appointment.
    Also if she is getting more confused, then she may have a delirium possibility due to a urine infection.

    But in the 1st instance she needs a review, especially if she is or not on any anti psychotics such as risperidone or halopeladol to name but 2.

  5. #5

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Thanks for getting back to me mate, She just refuses to see anyone at all, so no Consultant no nothing Im afraid

  6. #6

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Quote Originally Posted by Mad as a fish View Post
    Thanks for getting back to me mate, She just refuses to see anyone at all, so no Consultant no nothing Im afraid
    Some good advice here but you won't be able to help your wife, who you patently love to bits, if you are unable to function yourself.

    I would suggest seeing a doctor about yourself first about your own mental health challenges about the problems you are facing. It may be in working through these issues with your doctor that you can work on some kind of intervention plan for your wife as well when they see what effect it is having on you.

    Good luck. It took a lot of strength to bare your feelings on this.

  7. #7

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Quote Originally Posted by Mad as a fish View Post
    Before I start pleas believe me I really am at my wits end and genuinely dont know what to do or who to turn to. My Wife and I are elderly, Im 73 wife is 77 been married for 53 years. I am as sharp as a button mentally but am disabled due to an inability to walk more than a few steps due to 4 unsuccessful hip operations. The last couple of years My Mrs has been having memory problems etc which have been getting rapidly worse to the extent of becoming extremely dangerous and violent. We sleep in separate rooms due to my disability and the last six months due to my disability we now live in a beautiful Purpose built disabled bungalow. To give you an instance of what is going on today I heard a crash and asked her what was going on and she had thrown an alarm clock against the wall and smashed it to bits, I asked her why she had done it and she said there was no dialling tone on it!! Other instances have been she lighting fires in ashtrays and watches it. She has stabbed me (accidently) a couple of times. She has become increasingly violent and just goes around grunting out loud every waking minute and just cries all day long.
    I have tried to gently tried to persuade her to talk to somebody about it and she goes mad at me and says I am trying to get her put away (Not true) I just want her to get help. She was assigned a Social worker a few months ago who was a lovely woman about 30ish, until one day she accused her of having an affair with me so obviously she couldnt help her any more. A few months ago the Doctor came to see me and I told him about the Mrs, guess what happened, he said he couldnt do anything unless my Mrs contacted him for help and said he couldnt help me with the problem. For the last few months I have just stayed in my bedroom just for peace and quiet if I venture out my World becomes a War Zone and I have got to the point where I am not going to be able to go on much longer, I am extremely depressed as you can probably tell but I havnt got enough bravery to finish it all but I go to bed every night hoping I wont wake up in the morning. Who the hell can I turn to, the Doctor doesnt want to know. Any suggestion would be gratefully recieved. Im desperate.
    Thank for at lleast reading this.
    Sorry it's not much help but have you tried contacting and speaking to mental health organisations or charities?

    https://www.mind.org.uk/information-...ds-and-family/

  8. #8

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Ah Mate.

    I really wish that I could offer something more than just my best wishes.

    Iím open to reading and conversing with you if it might help.

  9. #9

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    oh man that sounds like a nightmare.
    it sounds like you need some kind of professional help, hopefully someone will have a mode specific suggestion.

  10. #10

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    The Doctor should be doing more than that.....if someone becomes a danger to oneself or those around them they should intervene.

  11. #11

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Good morning MAAF, I"m really sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time at the moment, of what you say it sounds like your wife is suffering from some sort of dementia, I would suggest calling (Dementia UK - 0800 888 6678) they offer support to carers and i'm sure they will signpost you and your wife to some sort of specialist support.
    Good luck MAAF I wish you well mate.

  12. #12

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    No advice I can offer but best wishes and hopefully someone will be able to help you.

    It is definitely worth talking to the samaritans and dementia uk.

    Do you have any family you can ask for help too?

  13. #13

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    I really sympathise with your problem because a relative of mine was in a very similar situation with his wife.
    The problem was diagnosed as vascular dementia so I'm very surprised that your doctor didn't attempt some sort of diagnosis.

  14. #14

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Really sorry to hear what you and your wife are going through. As others have suggested, it's really important you get some professional help, and really well done for reaching out because it's not an easy thing to do.

    I showed your post to my wife who is a psychiatric and social care professional and these were her suggestions so I'm just going to write them out from her notes.

    Email or copy your post with a short explanatory note i.e. you're too exhausted to compile a new letter and need access to help fast. Make sure you say that there is a duty of care and if you feel able, say that you feel your wife may be a danger to herself and/or others (it's not easy but it may be the best thing to do).

    Post/email/phone:

    Phone Social Services (in your location - ask for The Duty Social Worker and follow up with an email containing a copy of your post).
    You should get a Social Worker for yourself and they will be able to assist and take on all of these tasks.
    Phone CMHT (in your location) follow up with an email containing a copy of your post.
    Phone Age Cymru 0300 3034498
    Phone the Alzheimer's Society 0333 1503456 (Whisperer has already kindly given the phone number of Dementia UK)
    Call Citizens Advice 0808 2787925 and arrange for an advocate if one is needed for you and/or your wife.
    Pobl 01633 679911 (based in Newport but cover much wider areas - go to the older persons page/section on their website - they can be very helpful regarding mobility issues and home care).

    If you visit the above websites there are also many other ways to contact them as well as more detailed information.

    Finally and most importantly send a copy of your post to your GP straight away as having something in writing is a very powerful way of ensuring there will be a considered and more successful response. Your GP has a duty of care to you and can arrange to see your wife too.

    If possible, print out and send a hard copy of all your emails to everyone suggested
    .

    There are many people out there who can and will help and support. It's important you communicate just how difficult things have become for you and don't be afraid of being frank and honest like you've been here. I know it's difficult but don't be timid when communicating with service providers, try and be as assertive as can. Your situation is an emergency.

    All the very best.

  15. #15

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Thanks to all that have replied. Im not having a very good day at all today so I will read all of your mails and digest them, To be perfectly honest I feel beaten and think I will just probably call it a day soon.

  16. #16

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Quote Originally Posted by Mad as a fish View Post
    Thanks to all that have replied. Im not having a very good day at all today so I will read all of your mails and digest them, To be perfectly honest I feel beaten and think I will just probably call it a day soon.
    Don't call it a day, things will definitely improve, reaching out for help is the first part and you've done that.

  17. #17

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Quote Originally Posted by Citizen's Nephew View Post
    Really sorry to hear what you and your wife are going through. As others have suggested, it's really important you get some professional help, and really well done for reaching out because it's not an easy thing to do.

    I showed your post to my wife who is a psychiatric and social care professional and these were her suggestions so I'm just going to write them out from her notes.

    Email or copy your post with a short explanatory note i.e. you're too exhausted to compile a new letter and need access to help fast. Make sure you say that there is a duty of care and if you feel able, say that you feel your wife may be a danger to herself and/or others (it's not easy but it may be the best thing to do).

    Post/email/phone:

    Phone Social Services (in your location - ask for The Duty Social Worker and follow up with an email containing a copy of your post).
    You should get a Social Worker for yourself and they will be able to assist and take on all of these tasks.
    Phone CMHT (in your location) follow up with an email containing a copy of your post.
    Phone Age Cymru 0300 3034498
    Phone the Alzheimer's Society 0333 1503456 (Whisperer has already kindly given the phone number of Dementia UK)
    Call Citizens Advice 0808 2787925 and arrange for an advocate if one is needed for you and/or your wife.
    Pobl 01633 679911 (based in Newport but cover much wider areas - go to the older persons page/section on their website - they can be very helpful regarding mobility issues and home care).

    If you visit the above websites there are also many other ways to contact them as well as more detailed information.

    Finally and most importantly send a copy of your post to your GP straight away as having something in writing is a very powerful way of ensuring there will be a considered and more successful response. Your GP has a duty of care to you and can arrange to see your wife too.

    If possible, print out and send a hard copy of all your emails to everyone suggested
    .

    There are many people out there who can and will help and support. It's important you communicate just how difficult things have become for you and don't be afraid of being frank and honest like you've been here. I know it's difficult but don't be timid when communicating with service providers, try and be as assertive as can. Your situation is an emergency.

    All the very best.
    A great response that says it all.My wife too has worked with the elderly and says the same thing and in her experience age concern is a good place to start.You need to consider this though,rather saying to the authorities help me with my wife say I have a problem and I can't look after my wife and follow it up with emails(get names of every one you speak to).My mrs has also said the the social services a failing you big time but you need to become a pest to them as she assures me its the people that shout the loudest and most often get seen to first.

    I hope you and your wife get the help your entitled to.

    Mart

  18. #18

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Just read your thread starter maaf there is some great advice in this thread stay strong Bluebird I hope you and your wife get the help you BOTH need.

  19. #19

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Some fantastic advice given to you here by fellow bluebirds

    Your wife is clearly suffering from either a dementia type illness such as vascular dementia , my mother has this ......or she has alzheimers , a form of dementia ........she could possibly have delirium.......or she has recurring urine infections

    You are clearly under a great deal of stress and your wife needs to be seen by an experienced mental health professional

    She is a danger to herself and to you

    Phone the Llanfair unit at Llandough hospital in Cardiff if you are in Cardiff and the Vale of Glamorgan

    These people are the experts in elderly mental health . They are headed by a team of psychiatrists who will send out a team of nurses to assess your wife , report back to the doctors and a diagnosis will be formed and a treatment plan made which may include medication and a ct scan to see if your wife has dementia

    Phone them NOW

    They will advise you . A referral usually has to come from a GP but sometimes they act very quickly if you contact them yourself. You must say you are frightened , anxious , depressed and are having very frightening thoughts . This is beyond the help of a GP .

    My mother was seen by the older person's mental health team last March and was given a diagnosis of severe anxiety , delirium and vascular dementia .

    Phone them now , I will find the number for you

  20. #20

    Re: O/T BIT OF A LONG SHOT, AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF SOME ADVICE

    Quote Originally Posted by SLUDGE FACTORY View Post
    Some fantastic advice given to you here by fellow bluebirds

    Your wife is clearly suffering from either a dementia type illness such as vascular dementia , my mother has this ......or she has alzheimers , a form of dementia ........she could possibly have delirium.......or she has recurring urine infections

    You are clearly under a great deal of stress and your wife needs to be seen by an experienced mental health professional

    She is a danger to herself and to you

    Phone the Llanfair unit at Llandough hospital in Cardiff if you are in Cardiff and the Vale of Glamorgan

    These people are the experts in elderly mental health . They are headed by a team of psychiatrists who will send out a team of nurses to assess your wife , report back to the doctors and a diagnosis will be formed and a treatment plan made which may include medication and a ct scan to see if your wife has dementia

    Phone them NOW

    They will advise you . A referral usually has to come from a GP but sometimes they act very quickly if you contact them yourself. You must say you are frightened , anxious , depressed and are having very frightening thoughts . This is beyond the help of a GP .

    My mother was seen by the older person's mental health team last March and was given a diagnosis of severe anxiety , delirium and vascular dementia .

    Phone them now , I will find the number for you
    Listen to Sludge. He is very knowledgeable in this sort of area and has given me good advice (in the case of physical disability rather than mental health, but the advice still holds) in the past

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