Reply With QuoteOh how I missed these posts ,brilliantly written .
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Visited Sludge this morning for the first time in a fortnight. As usual, he wasn't the most welcoming host as no offer of a hot drink was forthcoming. It's not much different at Christmas time when precious little Yuletide spirit is offered. He quaffs on Napoleon brandy between stuffing his face with a Sainsbury's matured Christmas pudding covered in a rich nutmeg sauce while guests have to stare gloomily at a small glass of Lidl's cheapest sherry and an out of date mince pie.
Today he was leafing through one of his dogging diaries. It's where he records his sordid assignations at car parks, laybys, wooded areas and elsewhere. He chuckled when recalling an incident during 2018 for which he narrowly escaped a spell in Parc nick having pled guilty to assault. It was only due to a series of unfortunate coincidences that saved his skin.
He was cheating at three card brag one afternoon in a Pontyclun pub when locals made mention of one of its residents who was notoriously generous with carnal favours in return for a packet of ten cigarettes. The downside was she was certainly no beauty queen. Naturally, Sludge's ears shot up. One phoned her to arrange a meeting on his behalf. They gave him her address and directions to get there. A witness stated that soon afterwards he booted his crappy Astra round the first corner faster than Lewis Hamilton in a Formula 1 car could.
It should have been a five-minute drive but it took half hour as he had trouble locating a shop selling cigarettes.
Meanwhile, the very respectable and well groomed 40-year-old Mrs Carmichael, who lived next door to the wench, had taken a day off working her Civil Service job to take delivery of a new chest freezer and washing machine from Argos which should have arrived two hours earlier.
A frantic and desperately horny Sludge knocked on the wrong door such was his excitement. Instead of being greeted by an almost gargoyle creature that he'd been described, he was most impressed by who answered. "Oh," she cooed before he had chance to utter a word, "I can't wait for you to deliver your load." Adding with a smile, "you can do so the front way or around the rear. I can assure you I have a very accommodating back passage."
In mitigation, having admitted his guilt, his solicitor told Bridgend Magistrates' Court her client was an ardent Liverpool fan and by his own admission on hearing her words he couldn't have smiled any wider had Liverpool scored a last minute winner at Old Trafford that season.
She went on to outline how the unsavoury incident that followed was due to both parties misjudging the true circumstances. It was fortuitous the real delivery men arrived shortly after Sludge pounced on her. They said he was stuck to her like a limpet on the living room carpet while he made howling noises as she shrieked. It took both of them to prise him off her.
The chief magistrate said the defendant was no stranger to the court for knicker-related offences, but all previous appearances related to removing them from washing lines rather than from around victim's buttocks. Nevertheless, he conceded the mitigation carried some weight as he handed down a £100 fine along with £50 court costs and a £15 victim surcharge penalty.
Oh how I missed these posts ,brilliantly written .
+1 Yes, just brilliant.Originally Posted by life on mars
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