An Italian soldier was killed today going to
investigate a suspicious object, despite being told it
was a mine.
His last words were "you **** offa. I a saw it first"
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I was telling my mate last night that I do a great impersonation of Imran Khan's ex-wife.
He said, "Jemima?
I said "No, I just do her voice."
An Italian soldier was killed today going to
investigate a suspicious object, despite being told it
was a mine.
His last words were "you **** offa. I a saw it first"
REVISIT your youth of ringing doorbells and running
away by becoming a DHL delivery driver.
CONFUSE Geordie physiotherapists by informing
them that you've got knee complaints.
ANNOY MC Hammer by going to a museum with
him, pointing at every exhibit and asking ‘can I touch
this?’.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester
I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college? Bison.
Just watched a documentary on the way ships are kept together. Riveting.
When my husband told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down
My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta
Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.
I was walking the dogs when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.
My friend asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.
I'm giving up spray deodorants for the new year. Roll on 2017.
I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
I applied for a job making sandwiches, but the roll had been filled.
My wife's working in a bowling alley.
Ten pin?
No, permanent.
I’ve just been diagnosed as colour blind. It came right out of the purple.
Used to run an anti-gravity machine business. Never got off the ground.
A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday.
Huge mistake
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised