The Mrs had the cheek to call me a lazy bastard today,
I was right in the middle of taking down the Christmas decorations..
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I've noticed that, once a month, women go completely ****ing mental
for about 30 days.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
If you say "gullible" really slowly, it sounds like lemons.
The Mrs had the cheek to call me a lazy bastard today,
I was right in the middle of taking down the Christmas decorations..
My dream job is to be a sound engineer.
I don't know why, I just want to - want to.
Old woman goes into the doctor's surgery.
"I wonder if you can help me, doc.
You see, I keep farting. The only saving grace is that they're silent, and don't smell. so no-one knows.
In fact, I've farted twice since coming into this room!"
"OK", says the doc, "take these pills for a week then see me again."
A week later, she comes back and says
"I don't know what you gave me, doc, but I still keep having those silent farts, but now they stink to high heaven!"
"Right", says the doc.
"That's your sinuses sorted, now let me have a look at your ears!"
What do you call a masturbating cow ?
Beef Stroking off!
I think that my wife sells drugs.
As I was leaving the house the phone rang.
The bloke on the other end of the line asked 'Has that dope gone yet?'
A cowboy riding along a trail comes across an Indian (sorry, Native American) lying down with his ear to the ground.
"What are you doing?", says the cowboy.
The reply was
"20 minutes ago, a wagon with two men came this way, going east. It was pulled by 4 horses, 2 brown, one black, one white"
"Wow!" says the cowboy. "you can tell all that by listening to the ground??"
"No- it ran over my head!"