Originally Posted by
Organ Morgan.
OP has been very reticent about revealing details of his recent date at an Abercynon hostelry, which is unsurprising as the evening didn't end in a bang.
The lady contacted him via a Facebook Doggers group. She made out she was slim, attractive and mid 20s, while he pretended to be a mature businessman with a formidable dong. Turned out she was 38, 5'1" and 19 stone. Upon seeing her he was so underwhelmed he headed straight for the bogs where he tried and failed to make good his escape through a window.
His mood improved immeasurably upon returning to the table after she made it plain she was desperate for a rub... and wasn't averse to being arse-ended. She was also prepared to pay for the meals and drinks, an offer he took less than a nanosecond to accept. He came prepared for every eventuality; inside a jacket pocket he'd secreted a lubricant - Premium Swarfega (59p per tub from any Poundstretchers).
Two-and-a-half hours, seven courses and many pints later came the time for him to do the biz. She ushered him to a nearby secluded lane. "Let's see what you got, boyo," she demanded.
Sludge was shy about disclosing more about the evening, but after some prompting he succumbed. "She was less than impressed," he conceded. "Not surprised," I retorted, "she expected to see a large banger, instead she was squinting at a three-inch noodle". That offended him. "I'll have you know it's nearer to four inches than three," he replied abruptly.
Anyway, according to him he failed to deliver due to the cold, poor lighting and too much flesh to navigate. Asked whether she was angry, he said: "gauging by the force she lamped me with her handbag, then yes she was".