Incidents of domestic violence rocket throughout South Wales in the hours proceeding a Wales egg defeat. They are particularly acute in deprived communities. Terrible violence occurred behind front doors today when innocent partners of shell-shocked eggers bore the brunt of their disappointment and ire.

The battered and bruised were transported by a fleet of ambulances to already overstretched Accident and Emergency departments which resembled wartime field hospitals by 9pm as bloodied victims were stretchered into and filled corridors awaiting treatment.

Yet earlier in the day their assailants were happy and full of hope and expectation as they knocked back copious amounts of pink gin before heading for their favourite pubs. "Come on, Shane!" they cried.

But a few short hours and three pints of Allbright Bitter later their mood had changed to a dark and foreboding one. Soon they hurried home while breaking wind aggressively.

Imagine the terror their menfolk felt as they dreaded their return. Being duffed up in usual circumstances must be bad enough, but feeling a stilettoed heel to the ribs delivered by a screaming banshee wearing a daffodil headdress must be abject.

Most of the victims were dragged out of the back door before being unceremoniously drop kicked over the garden fence.