Nancy has landed. It means a complete loss of face for China.

Repercussions shan't take long. Both world wars broke out between late July and September 1.

Expect World War III to begin within the next four weeks.

My contact, who's never wrong, says it's not all bad news; the shops are still packed with delicious and nutritious and yummy Pot Noodles.

Grab 'em while you can before Love Island-obsessed mongs realise they've had it.

Purchase a lump hammer or shovel to protect your lip-licking stash so as to impact the foreheads of former amiable neighbours for when they comprehend they and theirs are totally fecked.

I haven't felt this pessimistic since at least last Thursday.

These are the end days, boys. It's time to stiffen one's spine in readiness.